Dear Alcohol

A friend shared this with me so I thought I'd share it with you all.

Dear Alcohol,
 
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGE fan of yours.  As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.  The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
 
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
 
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
 
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
 
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
 
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
 
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
 
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take e a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.
 
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
 1. Innovative
 2. Preliminary
 3. Proliferation
 4. Cinnamon
 
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
 1. Specificity
 2. British Constitution
 3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
 
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
 1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
 2. Nope, no more beer for me.
 3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
 4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?
 

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Related Posts

Comments

  • That is one of the funniest things I've ever read!

  • One of my uncle's friends was stopped once for drunk driving, and he said, "I'm not drunk, ossifer." I think the cop actually let him go too.

  • @anewlis: welcome to the 'hood and glad it made you laugh.
    @idadi: who's Larry? 😉
    @healthy: where was that and is that cop still working? I'm looking to move soon, lol.

  • This is hysterical, and perfectly mirrors my sentiments aexactly.

  • Lol it was in Dallas, but it was back in '94 😉

  • AWWWW LAWD …… i resemble those remarks …..

  • And just to clarify my position … I am not an alcoholic! I know I have a problem and the next liquor store i see will make it all better!

  • ha ha! i got this a few weeks ago and i've been meaning to post it but i kept forgetting! glad you shared it with vox 😀

Say What?