Kicking out the lazy bitch that resides within me

She has to go.  I am better than this and I know it.  While I was never a "I want to be a princess when I grow up" type of kid, I somehow don't think that I am where I should be.

So, where should I be?  I'm still working on it.  Knowing where I should be is similar to the way I go shopping for clothes.  I will walk past racks and racks, but if nothing jumps out into my hands, then it is not the item for me.  Like this, I have a very limited wardrobe, but I also know that I haven't passed where I should be, because if I had, I'd still be there.

Should allows for such a broad range of things.  There are the shoulds imposed by other people such as you should go back to school, you should work your way up the corporate ladder, you should be married by a certain age, have 2.2 kids, house, white picket fence, dog, blah, blah, blah.  Those are the shoulds that do not concern me for they are based on the wishes of others.

Kiddo and Lovey are shoulds.  Today, Kiddo turned 14.  She's turning into a beautiful young lady (most of the time) and I should do everything I can to raise her right and keep her out of trouble.  Lovey is a should.  He came to me at a time when I was swearing off men and their horrible influences.  He broke through that.  He showed me that it's not all bad and I'm not all bad.  He's a should because he jumped off the rack at me, planted one on me and said it's you and me babe.

Back to where should I be.  From a career standpoint, not where I am.  I can be good at what I do (paper pusher) when I choose to, but pushing paper holds no interest for me.  Despite being the anti-social witch that I am, I need the human contact. (makes for a great bartender)  I've always been someone that random people will open up to.  I hold many secrets.  People talk to me, whether they know me or not and I've gotten used to it.  Now, I need the randomness.   I need things to not be the same every day.  I need to stay busy.  Mostly, I need to not sit at a desk.  So should I work elsewhere?  Yes, probably.  I just have to get to it.  Get out lazy bitch!

I've never really been a religious person.  I think that it is, in part, related to the amount of church I was forced to attend as a child. (Once my mom made us go to church on New Year's Eve.  I was only about 13, but still!)  As I've gotten older, and certainly no wiser, I've been finding that I'm missing something in my life.  I don't really have any focus, no center, and I should.  I'm not interested in going to church as most know it as I find organized religion to be, well, a scam.  Churches keep getting bigger, people keep buying more expensive clothes, preachers/reverends/whatever you call them keep building bigger houses and driving nicer cars.  Churches don't need to be big enough to house a football field.  Whomever you worship probably doesn't care what you wear when you do it.  And the last I'm not even gonna touch.

I guess I'm spiritual, but not religious.  I feel at my best when I'm in an open area, preferably outside, where I can "commune with nature".  For me, a perfect day is one that is spent entirely outside.  Enter Wicca.

I'm no expert.  As a matter of fact, I'm just beginning my journey by reading, collecting, and just learning.  I've only scraped the surface, but I already know that Wicca is what I should be practicing.  It's quite possible that I've been receiving hints to this purpose for some time, but I just had too much interference to realize it.  Now, now I know that I should make more time to learn, to practice, to center, to focus.  I don't just want to be outside, I need it. 

Another stream of consciousness blog from yours truly with no ending, but I feel good about it.

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