First things first or lo primero primero as I've recently learned. This is not a pity post. It's a discovery and self-help kinda thing so please, take mom's advice and if you don't have anything nice (or helpful, or insightful) to say, then keep your damn mouth shut (and your fingers off my buttons, lol).
In my 33 years, I have seen and done a lot of things. I've lived in many places (PA, CO, NY, NC, the Carribbean, Mexico) but none of them have had this effect on me. You see, I live in Miami now, land of the beautiful people. I can't escape them. I work on Miami Beach, land of the even more beautiful people. They're everywhere. And they don't work.
I've never thought I was beautiful by any means. As much as I hate the word cute (which really should be reserved for puppies and babies), unfortunately, I think it's the best that I can do. You judge…
Anyways, that's not typical dress. As the caption states, I was going out.
So, for those a little low in the self-esteem department, Miami is not the place to live. It's difficult for me to walk down the street without thinking 'I'm not _________ enough'. Trust me, I realize that I live in a world of Barbie dolls, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Somewhere, deep inside of me, lives this demon. She's the one that says that I'm not pretty enough. She says that I have the build of a 13 year old (and that's not even true since my 13 year old daughter has bigger boobs than me, sigh), she says my hair's too short and too nappy and that I'm just too short in general. She says that I don't deserve to be happy. She's a bitch.
Most days, the bitch demon stays buried. Some days, she's just raging. I know that I have to find a way to draw her out and kill her once and for all. Is she green? Probably. Does she take over and make me want to surgically improve myself? Sometimes. Can I let her? Doubtful.
How do I find a way to be happy with myself when I'm constantly surrounded by people who egg on the demon? Becoming a monk is not an option. I have to find a solution and I have to find it soon because when the bitch gets out, she can ruin a perfectly good day/week/weekend/month/year. When the bitch gets out, I cry for no reason at the drop of a hat, and while that's par for the course here on the beach with many, many mentally challenged people, it's not me, it's not who I want to be nor who I am.
I want to look back at this blog in a month and know that I've made some progress in burying the demon for good. I want to be happy with me the way that I am. I don't want to be envious of those who have more height/bigger boobs/no need to work/natural beauty/everything that I don't. Miami, you are my scapegoat. I hate you. You suck.