funny

Dear Alcohol

A friend shared this with me so I thought I'd share it with you all.

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGE fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take e a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?

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Home from the holidays

No, not home for the holidays, I'm home from the holidays.

Lovey and I packed up the truck with Kiddo, Pooch and presents and took a (short) road trip to Jacksonville. Did you know that there's basically nothing to see on I-95 between Miami and Jacksonville? Now you do and you have proof: no pictures.

Kiddo did find it highly amusing that when we stopped for a bathroom break she saw a couple: black female with dreds and a (quite possibly) hispanic, bald male. I don't, by any means, think we're the only mixed couple in the world, but that is a little bit odd to run into your twin couple at a rest stop off the highway.

So, for the actual three days in Jax, we stayed at La Quinta. Nothing fancy but they sport king beds with pillowtop mattresses and they welcome Pooch with open paws, so we like it there. And if we get hungry in the middle of the night, there's a Denny's within a 2 minute walk. Hello Moons Over My Hammy!

It isn't often that we all get together, so when we do, there's the obligatory family photo. We are one mixed up group.

Xmas_family

I look like I got punched in the eye, but oh well. Out of those 13 people, I'm related to 3 by blood, 7 by marriage, one I just met, and one is my Lovey. You figure it out. 😛

The story of the trip goes a little something like this:

Mom was rummaging through the liquor cabinet and she pulled out a bottle of pear brandy that had the pear in the bottle. Ever wonder how they get the pear in the bottle? Yeah, me too. Well, step-sister says that she knows the answer. They GROW IT IN THE BOTTLE! And of course, this MUST be true because she saw it on TV. Apparently in Jax, they have crackhead TV or something of the sort. After she made this revelation, the room just got quiet. Until Lovey broke the silence with a "WHAT?" Yep, that's my guy. She still swore that they grew the pear in the bottle. Right. They grow a whole tree inside the bottle until it grows only one pear then they chop off that pear, leave it in the bottle, and then pull the tree out of the bottle, scrape out all the dirt and fill it with brandy. I have never laughed so hard in my whole life. My mom had to come in the kitchen to tell me to cut it out because I was literally on the floor laughing. Good times.

Other than that, it was just good family times. A lot of Wii playing, drinking and talking about the good old days. Mom and her husband (no, he's not my step-father, sorry, long story) promised that next year they were doing Christmas with the Kranks, as in, don't look for them, they won't be around. More power to them, I say. I'd like to do something in the way of a family cruise or something, but I wouldn't want to give up a ski vacation for it. 8 days to Park City!!

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Thank you for flying Southwest

So, yeah, I fly Southwest. It's easiest to get to Jacksonville from Miami that way. It's also not ridiculously expensive for a last minute flight. $250 for a round-trip on one day's notice is not bad at all.

Overheard during pre-flight:

Flight attendant: Can I get you a drink?

Passenger: (Quiet mumbles)

FA: Are you kidding? This is a cheap airline. We don't have that. (Please read this in snooty tone.)

Me: uncontrollable giggles. Not at all assisted by the fact that in a three seat row, I am accompanied by two gentlemen who should have purchased two seats. Thank goodness the flight was less than 90 minutes.

DING!

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Afterhours at the 1230

Things are never normal at our house. Nowhere near, actually. More importantly, things are always funny at our house.

I am trying to do the whole "good mom" thing and keep my daughter focused on school. To help with this, I limit the time she has her cell phone (when she's at home, heaven forbid something happen and she doesn't have it) and her laptop (yeah, she's a little spoiled). When 9 pm rolls around, she has to hand them both over. Last night, she knocked on the bedroom door, as usual, and gave me the laptop and the phone. I put them down in their usual place and then Lovey came over and picked up her phone.

He was just turning it over in his hands and then he said, "You know what would be funny?"

Any converstaion that starts with those words in our house can be nothing but trouble. I asked him what he was thinking anyways. So he proceeds with, "You should take a picture of your butt and put it on her cell phone."

R O F L M F A O!

We went on to discuss how it should be her background and her welcome picture and it would be a perfect birthday present for her in another week or so. She would have to look at my butt for a long time until she figured out how to change it. I didn't do it. Yet.

We are sick individuals.

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I heard it on a ski lift….

I have recently returned from a WONDERFUL, albeit minimally snowy vacation to Tennessee. Our group contained myself, an African American, my daughter, half AA, half German, my boyfriend, Cuban, our former roommate, half Cuban, half Mexican, and his girlfriend, Honduran. Why do I go through the ethnicities? Read on.

Please, put aside your preconcieved notions that all of our southern states are places only for WASPs, for that is not true. Even a small town like Gatlinburg, a resort town, found its fair share of culturally diverse crowds. We ran into many people who spoke Spanish, French, German, and even Russian (we think). There were even quite a few black folks out trying out this snowboarding sensation. (Keep at it! Don't leave me out there alone!)

All this and more I tell you only to relive the funniest thing I heard all week. It's funny in a sad sort of way, but I laughed as did all in my group when I relayed the story, which in turn, allows you to laugh too.

Skiing/snowboarding is quite the social sport. Either that, or I must have a sign on that only other people can see that says "I want you, a compete stranger, to tell me everything about yourself and ask you everything there is to know about me." Long sign, I know, but I must be wearing it. At any rate, I've been off riding by myself for a while as my daughter is in a lesson and my poor baby is home sick on the first day of our trip. I've made fast friends with 2 girls from TN that just love me for some reason (am I Token?), as well as several other kids. I guess it could be that I look younger than I am and act nowhere near my age, but I digress.

On one particular lift ride, I had the opportunity to ride up with a southern gentleman and his son. I can say southern with absolute certainty because not only did the accent give it away, but he flat out told me that he was from TN. The conversation started as most do on a lift ride. Hellos, weather, first time, etc. Something like this:

Him: How y'all doing today?

Me: (Wondering if I've multiplied) Fine thanks, you?

Him: We're doing great! Great day of skiing.

Mind you, his son says nothing this entire ride.

Me:   Good to hear.

Him: So where ya from?

Me:   (Because I've told this story many times today, and many times at Club Med) Pittsburgh originally, but now I live in Miami.

Him: Oh yeah? What do you do down there?

Me: I'm an Administrative Assistant.

Him: Oh? Where at?

I think that's one too many personal questions at this point, but….

Me:   A property management company.

Him: You been down there long?

Me: (Is this ride over yet?!?!) About 3 years now.

And now, the moment you've been waiting for…..

Him: You gotta learn to speak mexican to live down there, huh?

Me: (Blank stare.) Guffaw!

First off, I didn't capitalize Mexican to accentuate the way in which it was said. If nothing else, I do know punctuation and capitalization (as I hit spell check). Secondly, the brunt of the Hispanic population in Miami proper is Cuban although we do boast a large Mexican population. Third, my newly made redneck friend, if you're going to be stereotypical, at least get it right, because learning to speak SPANISH goes a long way here.

He didn't say much after I giggled in his face and thankfully, the ride was over shortly thereafter. By the way, southern gentleman, where did you get that gaiter? It's such a lovely shade. Oh, wait, that's your neck.

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funny

Dear Alcohol

Home from the holidays

Thank you for flying Southwest

Afterhours at the 1230

I heard it on a ski lift….

You Missed

Nothing To See Here

Too Damn Slow

Ghosts (of Days Gone By)

Raunchy Activated