Ramblings

Making Progress

Another week has flown on by. As much as I dislike admitting it, time really does start to go faster the older you get. With nearly three quarters of 2013 gone (ok, more like 7/12), I can only wonder where the heck the year went. I do feel as though I’ve learned some things so far this year, though, and that there’s still more to take in before the year closes.

Something I never would have thought was possible seems to be happening. I’m staying fit simply by doing yoga three times a week. Or, at least, that’s all I’m doing in the gym. I laid off the cardio machines (and my hip thanks me), and I stay away from the weights. We’ll see if it continues to work out this way as I’m only basing this on about a month’s worth of yoga. But here’s hoping.

I’m also learning that it isn’t necessary for me to go balls to the wall 100% of the time and everything doesn’t have to be all or nothing. So maybe it’s taken nearly 40 years, but I’m finally getting to a point of being ok with just doing what I can. Can’t expect others to accept me as I am if I can’t accept myself. I’m a work in progress.

Meditating has positive consequences. Maybe not the first time, maybe not even the second or third, but if you stick to it and really give it the attention it needs, it works.

Sidebar: As I write this, I am sitting in my back yard, enjoying the sounds of the wind in the trees and taking in all the green. Unfortunately, one of our back neighbors is also at home. He is in a band. He plays the guitar– which I can handle. He is also singing. I am fairly certain that he does not sing in the band as he is more than a little off key. If he is singing in the band, well, it’s not a great wonder that they’re still playing locally.

With the guidance of my yoga instructor, Lexi, I’ve been working on unblocking/clearing my heart chakra as I’ve mentioned. Yesterday, I tried a different method that she mentioned and not only did I feel an emotional weight lift, there was a physical aspect as well. Later in the day after my meditation, I started to feel slightly congested, or moreso as though I was at the end of congestion. It was really neat to me to have this happen – the physical unblocking – although at the time I did wonder if I was just getting sick. The body is a really wild tool that we possess.

In non-body related news, I’m very much looking forward to this weekend. We’re taking a staycation down in Denver tomorrow night, complete with dinner out (likely at Edge because we love that place), a hotel stay, and Pirates baseball on Sunday afternoon. I’ll be that annoying girl with the huge Jolly Roger raising it as the Buccos take out the Rockies, hopefully in a sweep. Let the games begin…baseball AND football. Black and yellow till I die!

Finding an Opening

Have you ever been moving your body, contorting it into different positions, trying to get your back (leg, knee, hip, etc) to crack? This happens to me all of the time. Almost everywhere, I can get some movement. The only place that escapes me is my lower upper back. Just about center back, right below the shoulder blades. I try hanging upside down to find the release to no avail. I try twists and foam rolling, but there is just a stubbornness that I cannot get past. Even when I go to the chiropractor, he has problems getting any movement out of my upper back. I think I feel it particularly the most, as in, it’s just so close, when I’m in down dog.

I suppose it shouldn’t come as a big surprise, then, to find that this is right about in the space of the heart chakra. Mine is, apparently, terribly blocked. After yoga this morning, I was discussing this with my instructor. She said that, while my yoga in general is getting much better, she can see the struggle I have with breathing at times, and really allowing that air to get into my chest. We talked about how I find it difficult to focus on green when I’m meditating and how red or orange are so much easier and the meaning behind it. She’s offered to do some private work with me in the gym (help! I don’t know the rules for this…do I pay her or offer to pay her or is this yogic karma?!?) which I don’t yet know if I will do and gave me a few more things to try to help get and keep the focus on the heart. I guess no one ever said this would be easy.

Speaking of things not being easy, I am on week three of (almost) no caffeine. I made myself a big cup of coffee yesterday (all day meetings are more draining than being in the gym all day), but I think I took three sips of it before I just didn’t want it any more. I’ve stopped adding white sugar to my tea and started simply drinking it black (the tea is caffeine free also). I may venture out into keeping some raw sugar here at the house for when I just have to have something sweetened….or for cooking, although I think that will need some trial and error.

Today was certainly the best day of flying that I’ve had in a little while. I usually take a swing or two and just let it go, but today I went across quite a few times (splits and layouts..thanks, Brucer!) and felt good. I’m still not turning around for the return, but I think the time will come. I don’t feel a need to push myself overly hard. I like to, as I told someone else today, just feel it rather than thinking about it. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe never. It will be what it will be.

It’s back for another four week session of fabric tonight. It’s quite enjoyable. Happy to have stepped out of my little trapeze box for an apparatus that’s a little more flexible..even if I’m not. 🙂

The time is upon me where I must prepare to take that journey into the office. I hope that your day is fantabulous.

Think Green

No, not recycling, although I encourage you to do so as well. Today, I think green where most people would think red, and that is within the heart chakra. I won’t attempt to give an explanation of chakras as my knowledge is extremely limited. Instead, if you are interested, click here to read more about them, or just use the Google uber-powers for more information.

It is so very interesting to me that someone who did not know my name until this morning could see so many things about me, simply by being open and aware in her own practice. Perhaps you recall my mentioning the meditation. On Sunday morning, freshly prepared with a guided meditation, I laid in my bed, listening, and trying to relax. While the notes said that the duration was approximately 25 minutes, it literally felt like about 5 to me. I am still far from being able to really and truly sink into the state of relaxation that is called for, but I am trying.

After that 5 or 25 minutes, at the end of my meditation period. I slowly came back to being present to be greeted with the most delicious stabbing pain in the back of my head. Like, someone stuck an ice pick back there and were pounding on it with a hammer. The pain slowly dulled and spread out a bit before it left for good a couple hours later.

Weekends have become the two days between yoga classes for me. That’s kinda crazy for someone who used to entirely look forward to weekends.

This morning, I had great balance poses (!) and felt good about my practice. Afterwards, I spoke a bit with my instructor and relayed the headache story. She asked if I was sitting or laying (laying) and she said that I should give it a try while sitting up to avoid the headache. I agreed to give this a try. She went on to further say that I should try to focus on the color green as she feels that my heart chakra is, well, basically, a mess. And after I came home and did a little research, I come back to it being amazing how someone who knows you not at all can be so on target as if they’ve known you forever.

One step at a time, I will meditate and I will try to take the steps necessary to clear this chakra. I don’t know how it will end up, but I do think it is important to get myself balanced. Stay tuned for the next part of this journey.

On Meditation

When we last left our superheroine, she was light-headed and falling over in her asanas…

Yesterday morning, I was wrestling with some things in my head which nearly overwhelmed me. I considered not going to yoga at all, but then I realized that not going just wasn’t going to help anything. So, off I went to the gym.

One of two things is going on. Either 1) I am getting better at this or 2) the instructor was taking it easy on us. I honestly don’t know which it was, but what I do know is that I felt like we were just getting started and it was already time for Shavasana. I am beginning to look forward to and enjoy this class. Sometimes, it is difficult to continue focusing on my breath, but I do my best.

On Monday, as you may remember, meditation was suggested. If you know me, you know that I have a pretty tough time sitting still. This week, I gave up coffee. I’ve been having a lot of Vanilla Rooibos tea. As a result, I am exhausted and one grumpy ass mofo. While I try not to take it out on others, I don’t always succeed. However, I digress.

After class, I was putting away my mat and the instructor asked how I was doing. My honest answer was “meh”. She asked if I had been meditating and I fessed up that I had not, possibly could not, do this. She has more faith in me than I do. She said that I should look into yoga nidra and that I could find downloads on iTunes. “You really should try this. Your body wants to meditate. I can tell.”

I have no idea what kind of silent signals my body is giving off that says I need to meditate or that my body wants to my brain is holding up progress. I do know it gives off that stupid neon sign that says “talk to me” that always blinks brightest when there’s a creepy guy nearby. But, if my body is giving signals that I’m oblivious to but others can see, I will take her word for this for now.

Like a good student, I downloaded the things that my instructor mentioned, and tonight, before bed, I will try to listen to at least ten minutes of them. They’re supposed to help you sleep better. I typically sleep as though someone has hit me in the back of the head with a blunt object so I’m assuming that this may put me into a temporary coma. I’ll let you know. Assuming I wake up tomorrow. Namaste.

Yoga Awakening?

I know, I know. It’s been forever since I last posted. Now that the shaming is out of the way, let’s continue.

This morning, like many mornings, I received an email that told me that I should write 750 words today. But this morning, unlike many mornings, I said to that email, “I WILL write 750 words today…I just need a topic.” When you ask, the universe provides.

Off I went to the gym for yoga. I stopped to take a picture of yet another of Colorado’s absolutely gorgeous sunrises and made my way. I’ve been going to yoga on Monday and Friday mornings for about a month now and last week I started throwing in Wednesday mornings as well. While the class is titled ‘Sunrise Yoga’, my inexperienced mind (and Google) say that this falls under Iynegar yoga. I’ve been seeing the same couple of people in the class with a mixture of new folks now and again, and the same instructor.

Sidebar: The first time I went to this class, I really thought I was not going to enjoy it as there were some real sourpusses. I’m glad I hung in there.

This particular morning, I chose to really try to focus on my breathing to ignore any discomfort that was coming from holding poses for quite some time. And this morning, for the first time, I felt extremely light-headed (and I wasn’t returning from an inversion), and immediately after the light-headedness passed, I felt as though I was going to break down into tears. Not one drop hits the mat and I continue, but I’m about to go into full wailing and shaking, breakdown crying. This. This was very new to me. After a few minutes, the feeling passed and I continued on with my practice.

At the end of class, after Shavasana, I was taking my time in returning to present and the instructor came over to complement me on my work for the morning. I thanked her and saw this as my opening to have a brief discussion about what had happened in class. I was (literally) able to corner her in the room where all the mats are to pose my question of what in the world happened to me today?!?!

I started out with, “I have a question for you” to which she immediately responded, “Are you getting light-headed?” At first, I was shocked that this would’ve been first out of her mouth, but upon further reflection, she *is* an instructor and probably hears things like this often. She talked to me about how sometimes this happens when we’re really using our breath and she said that I am probably like her in that I have the tendency to keep my abdomen tight and engaged which causes ‘reverse breathing‘ and therefore the light-headedness. In regards to the overwhelming emotion out of nowhere, she had a little less to say. She suggested that I meditate and see where I am right now and just to try to work through it. I think that I wanted a little more, but I also can see that portions of this are a personal journey. At some point today, I hope to find the time to take her advice.

Today’s weather is certainly not a reflection of my day so far. If anything, it is probably the exact opposite. On my way to yoga, the sun was rising and it was clear. After yoga, a heavy fog had settled in to the point that it was difficult to see more than 10 feet in front of me while driving. However, the thought occurred to me as I type, that maybe this weather is correct. Perhaps this fog that prohibits me from looking around is the exact metaphor for what I need to do, being focus on what is in front of me and give it my full attention as not to miss what is under my nose. These are things upon which to ponder.

Tonight, I close a chapter in my life. I started pole dancing nearly five years ago and tonight, I walk away from my last class in my home studio. It was a difficult but necessary decision for me. The time has come for me to branch out in different directions in arts that are a little closer to my circus love. As I try to do nothing halfway, I trade my pole for cash, and my cash for an apparatus that will assist me in my next journeys. I am sure my path will be filled with obstacles, I only hope that they are not insurmountable. Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen. Life begins today.

Ramblings

Making Progress

Finding an Opening

Think Green

On Meditation

Yoga Awakening?

You Missed

Nothing To See Here

Too Damn Slow

Ghosts (of Days Gone By)

Raunchy Activated