I'm sorry, can I do what?

I'm all for the personal hygiene.  I'm a twice-a-day showerer, keep the hair clean, no boogs nose or eye kinda girl.  Now, not for my pleasure so much but for his, I keep a close shave if not an all off.  Well, I guess now that I think about it, it IS for my pleasure because less hair = more, uh, mouth fun.

On occasion, I've been known to get a wax.  Pros of waxing: hair doesn't grow back as fast, less ingrowns (you nasty little bastards), way smoother than a shave.  Cons of waxing: someone I don't know from Jack is up close and personal in my cooch.  That's my main reason for not going.  I think it's because I'm ultra-sensitive about my girl juices and their fragrance.  I think I smell me all the time.  Lovey and I will be sitting in the bedroom and I'll swear that I smell me but he swears that he can't and "his nose is built to sniff that out".  I'm probably crazy but I'm okay with it.

Somehow, there doesn't seem to be a universal naming convention for these processes.  You can say "I'd like a Brazilian wax" in three different places and come out with three different things.  This is not a good thing for we novices.  The last time I went in for a wax, which was quite possibly the last time I'm going in for a wax, I asked for what I thought I wanted.  Language barriers are always an issue here and I'm not gonna carry on a conversation with you while you're down there, nor am I going to try to decipher what you're saying to me.  Mistake.

Wax lady asked me if I wanted something and I didn't quite hear her so I mumbled yes.  I.  AM.  AN.  IDIOT.  We get through the front and because that wasn't enough, she told me to go ahead and flip over.  Apparently, I had agreed to have THE BUTT STRIP.

I don't have a problem with kink.  I'm all for a little slap and tickle.  But I wouldn't pay for it.  Yet somehow, I feel like there's a hidden camera and I'm being taped for BangBus or some other ridiculous and nasty hidden camera show.  Why?  Well, now I'm face down on the table and wax lady needs a hand.  I'm paying and I still have to help.  She needs me to spread my butt cheeks.  That's right.  Spread my butt cheeks.

And as I lay, splayed out on the table, ass in the air, cheeks spread from Cali to NY, wax lady proceeds to drown the starfish in HOT wax.  My ass is on fire and I'm contemplating ending it right there but then I realize that my butt would then be glued together.  Of course, that's not the worst of it because she still has to get rid of the wax.

Because I'm not humiliated enough, here comes the fun part.  With a pat and a rip, the starfish can once again breathe although it could be bruised but I can't tell since I just can't see back there, or at least not without a mirror.  I just want it to end, no pun intended.  When she's finally done, I slink out and pay.  I feel dirty and not just because I have baby powder from head to toe from a procedure that's way less than bellybutton to knee.  Seriously, I feel like I have starred in some nasty porn because I have paid a woman to pour hot wax on my asshole and then rip it off.  Never again!  There you go.  Don't get the butt strip.


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0 thoughts on “I'm sorry, can I do what?

  1. @ grrrace: I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that's just not comfortable.
    @ Jenessa: Did you share? Screw 'em if they can't take a joke (although this is based in fact) That's my contribution to make the world a better place through laughter. 🙂

  2. I don't know. I like my parts and I think they smell fine. I have no shame in letting someone look at them. (They've seen tons, I'm sure.) Maybe it's because I think it's pretty. Anyway… the ass-cheek spreading is a no go. I don't pay for full service.
    You sounded like a trooper though. I don't think your man will complain. 😉

  3. Oh, no no. I don't have a problem with Ode du Moi, I just get freaked out when I think other folks can smell me. I mean, it's not like I'm wearing it like perfume and I expect people to smell that. I'm sure it's all just in my head and people don't have noses like dogs. 🙂
    She's not just pretty, she's BEAUTIFUL!

  4. OMG I cannot believe you made me laugh with such a horrible thing as the BUTT STRIP!!! you got talent… and im talking talent as you are good on having waxes done hahaha talking bout your writing.. I wouldof just made a private blog and curse about my experice.. lol

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