On Being Judged

 Maybe they’re right. Maybe there IS something wrong with my routine. I just don’t see how something I worked on so hard…could be bad.

Watch all these tricks, aren’t they neat?
Wouldn’t you think my routine is complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl,
The girl who has everything?

 Look at this trick, look at this pose
How many Ayeshas can one person hold?
Watching this show yeah you’d think
Sure, she’s got everything

 I’ve got outfits that are blinged out a plenty
I’ve got owwies and bruises galore
You want cupcakes? I’ve got twenty.
But who cares? No big deal,
I want more

 I wanna be like the best ones are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancing
Dancing around with those
What do you call ‘em? Oh, pointed toes!

 Pleasing the crowd you don’t get too far
Tricks are required for winning, placing
Strutting along onto a
What’s that word again?
Stage.

 Up where we spin, up where we fly
Up where we open up and we cry
Pole dancing free
I got to be, part of that world

What did I give, just to live
This little dream?
What did I pay to spend a day
Up on the stage?

Betcha my man, he understands
A hug is all that’s ever needed
We’re all human, we have feelings
We have great plans

I’m ready to know what the people know
Ask em my questions
And get some answers
Did you like it and did you – what’s the word?
Cheer!

It was my turn
And it was love, smiling to all of you from above!
Out on the stage
I got to be
Part of your world

I never knew – I had no idea that the physical and emotional aftermath of a competition would be so difficult! Granted, it was compounded by another factor, but holy shit! It literally took me until today to start feeling human again. Monday all I wanted to do was stay in bed as my body said, “Please! Give me rest!”  Tuesday was slightly better and yesterday, I regressed. You could see it in my face. I was tired and I was still stressed out.  I hadn’t (and still haven’t) watched my own performance. Regardless of all of the wonderful comments and congratulations I had received, I was still stressed about how the performance went. Of course, only I know how I wanted it to look and I am my own harshest critic. These things are understood in my rational and logical mind. But you know, that other part….

The other part consumed me for the last several days. Not because I didn’t win (I wasn’t expecting to) and not because I let my mom or anyone else down who came out to watch, but because I let myself down. The coulda woulda shouldas were running rampant in my head. And then the realization struck that I would receive my scores and notes from the judges. I was absolutely dreading that moment.

I went from “there is absolutely no way I am going to open that” because I knew how I felt about my routine and I expected them to feel the same to “they’re only numbers and they can’t hurt you” and opening the document and seeing handwriting and slamming that document right back shut. BUT, then I remembered who I am in name, in person, in sign.

I walk the high wire without a net across active volcanoes – blindfolded, spinning stacks of plates, holding a burning torch in my teeth. I want everyone to love and adore me as much as I do myself, then I can stop hating myself for not being all things to all people. I’m fiercely allergic to fraud and injustice and I’ll rip the mask off even the most pathetic imposter with relish. I give all my best things away and expect this and more from people I love. I know precisely how to hurt anyone, especially myself. Believe in me, and I’ll sell my soul for you. – Jane V. Limes, “How to be a Sagittarius”

And that is me on so many levels. My strengths, my weaknesses, my flaws, all laid out in 106 words. It is those 106 words that gave me the strength to open my scores and to open my heart and mind to the possibility of the pain that was about to commence.

You know what? It wasn’t that bad. From some of the scores and comments, I knew that I accomplished what I set out to do, but I realize also that I missed the mark from some perspectives. But you know what else? THAT’S OKAY!! I’m really happy that I looked at my scores and read what the judges had to say. I was expecting it to be a million times worse than it was. As soon as I finished reading, I swear to you it was like the weight I had been carrying around since Saturday night had been lifted.

I am ready to carry on. I am ready to hold my head high. I am ready to watch my routine. I am ready.

 

 

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