procrastination

Eleven Twelfths

You are the reason I’ve been waiting all these years. Somebody holds the key. Yeah.

As we come to the end of another freaking year (seriously, how the hell did this happen?!?!) and I enter my 48th year on this wacky rock, I’m figuring out who the you and the somebody is. Spoiler alert: they’re both me.

Huh? Yeah. I’m the reason that I procrastinate. I’m the reason I’ve been waiting all of these years/months/days/hours/minutes to do ‘that thing’ that I’ve been meaning to do. I hold the key. I have the time. I’ve just been lazy. Or perhaps lazy is extreme. I’ve been floating without direction is probably more accurate.

Every year, or close to, I talk about what I’m going to do in the next year. I have taken New Year’s Resolutions out of my world and replaced them with New Day Resolutions. I simply stopped remembering this concept and let myself slip and slide down the hill to mediocrity and below. It took way too long, but I finally realized what the hell I was doing to myself and dragged my ass out of that darkness.

Not an easy task, ok? I hate this time of year. From November 1 through January 1 could literally be removed from the calendar and I would be cool with that. It’s even taking my birthday off the calendar. I’m cool. I’m not sure when it was that I went from ‘Yay Christmas’ to ‘oh, ok, Christmas’ to ‘FFS is it over yet?!?!’ but that last one is where I am. Not the most fun when it’s your other half’s favorite holiday. But, I deal. And then I can go back into my dark, hermit cave to recuperate from this mess that is the holiday season.

This year, I’m doing something that I’ve never done before – taking the last week of the year off of work. I’ve had the capability to do this for well over ten years now, but for whatever reason, I just never did. We’ll see how it goes, but having that whole week to set up my routines, get my planner all pretty, get everything in its place to start 2022 strong (really hoping to get some of these things implemented in December so I can cement them into place in January) and kick ass the whole way through. Yeah! Go me!

Something I’ve been asked a million times and I’ve never had an answer for (and still don’t) is “What is your why?” I hate this question. Partially because I think it’s just a stupid question and partially because I don’t have an answer. I suppose it would be neat to have that all wrapped up in a nice package, no? Some people do and can rattle off that answer no problem. Me? Uhhhhhhh, *shoulder shrug*. Is this really the end-all and be-all of life? Some of us are quite happy with just floating through, helping where we can, throwing in a laugh here and there. What’s wrong with that? Guess it depends who you ask.

I thought that this question was really geared more towards sales because that’s where it was pounded into me. Twice. (That’s what she said) First time, I made up an answer because I had to have one. I might also have been on or near my period so any and everything that was said got taken to heart with some tears. I coulda won an Academy Award then. The second time, I just didn’t answer it. Why lie, right? I don’t have this deep down desire to fix or rule the world because I know I’ll do neither. There isn’t some grand achievement that I’m striving for. I’m just living. Minute by minute, hour by hour. Why? So I can eat and keep a roof over my head. So I can pick up a toy or two and not worry about being broke afterwards. So is my why comfort? Could be. Seems selfish, but so am I.

Looks like I’m headed into December ’21 and all of ’22 on my usual bullshit with some extra corn on the side lol. The usual bullshit = work, exercise, pole dance. Extra corn = more fans/fabpole/handstands/poi/leviwand plus aerial silks, tarot and crystals. Still running my own personal PT with all the tools (and I found a video to reset my SI joint on my own and it is LIFE CHANGING!, nothing personal Dr. Z, I’ll still see you) and pushing to see if I can find the physique I had 10 years ago. A whole entire cob = finding that new house. Fingers crossed, y’all! I gotta go get on my shit!

Journey #24 –

There is a reason that I should be writing things down as I think of them or making some sort of audio note of said things. That reason is I freaking forget them. Case in point, I had a topic for a blog yesterday in the later afternoon, but of course, by this point the next day, I’ve forgotten what the topic was. Really sucks, because I thought it was a good one, but apparently not good enough to remember. *shrugs*

I’m at day 24 of the shakes. I’m going to say I’m actually on day 22 because there have been two days where I did not have a shake. That’s not too bad. I’m still not feeling any adverse reactions. I’m not expecting to, but stating that there aren’t any.


Body is still doing its regular things of slim down/bloat/slim down. Menopause is the only thing that’s gonna make that stop and it will come with its own whole new boat of issues. Mood remains level even through pre-, D-, and post-MS. (yes, moods for pre, during, and post period)


It’s 3pm now. That sums up the day. It’s been research-heavy all day and my eyes may fall out of my head soon. Of course that’s an exaggeration. I hope. But I’ll tell you that I’ve seen enough error logs for today.


Talk of these logs is once again proving that I have some sort of education ADD. I have a folder of bookmarks for education. On the list of things I want to learn: WordPress, leviwand, hula hooping, rollerskating, silk fans, and FabPole.

Each of them has the ability to hold my attention for mere moments. Ugh! This is why I have a meditation practice (I’m trying to) in the mornings. Get focused and get on with the day. I’m finding that I may need a second session around mid-day to get re-centered.

I still have a few things to knock out for work and for play. Hopefully at some point I’ll remember what I wanted to write about yesterday and get it done. Til then.

It’s My World

Uuuuuggggh. Over the course of the last 11 days, I have started three blog posts, this being the third. Let’s see if this one gets all the way to completion and posted. I really would have been great on Tumblr because I don’t always have enough thoughts for a full blog post, but I have some super one-liners. In my opinion, anyway.

So back on the second, I had my video and everything. Living On A Prayer because we were halfway there. Halfway through the year. And honestly, about that, WTF?!?! How did half of the year get by us already? Yikes. If I made New Year’s Resolutions, now would be the time I would look at them and go, oh shit, I haven’t done any of this. But, I decided back in January that I wasn’t going to do that. I was making New Day Resolutions, giving myself 365 chances to get it right instead of one. I think my NDR was to simply be better than the day before or something like that. Probably not, dammit. Now I have to look.

Ok, I had 5 NDRs. Exercise/yoga, meditate, handstand, write/blog, flow. As we sit beyond the halfway point of the year, I probably haven’t been doing well with my NDRs outside of exercise. I think today just happens to be an “on” day for me as I will likely hit all the points today. I guess that the halfway point of the year is a great point to get back on track since I completely forgot about those things. Mind you, even though I forgot about them, or I haven’t been actively thinking about them, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t been happening. The writing takes the biggest hit, followed by flow. Exercise happens 6 out of 7 days because that’s an ingrained habit already. Handstands happen here and there. Man, I gotta get on the fucking ball. Anywho….

Yesterday, I had started another post as well. Monday is the day that the landscapers come, so the video was for Oh So Quiet because OMG why can’t they STFU. Yes, I realize they have a job to do but come on, Mantequilla, I have work to do also. I have this thing about silence and how much I enjoy it. I mean complete silence. At most, nature sounds from birds. I don’t want white noise, the tv, the radio. Just shhhhhhh. For whatever reason, me and focus aren’t friends, so any little thing is shiny and a squirrel for me to look at. I’ve been trying to get better at focus, but that is a really long work in progress.

Back to today, I’m for sure going to hit those NDRs. I might even pull the tracker back out because I’m feeling a little bit encouraged. I love to fill in a block or use coloring pencils or crayons (and I have a ton of them, lol) so yeah, that sounds like a good idea for today. Or maybe even the whiteboard (I have three. I’m mildly odd with office supplies. We have more writing utensils in here than Office Depot.) Come on, excitement train! Keep on rolling!

So yeah, this is my world. Some days it’s mad hectic and some days it’s shut all the fucking way down. That’s just how I roll. That sounds worse than the reality is, but I’ll paint outside my lines and you can paint outside of yours.

While I’d love to stay and chat, I have several things to accomplish including getting myself prepared to teach three pole classes over the next 7 days. One of those is my normal class and two are levels which I don’t usually do – one beginner, one not so beginner. I love planning classes but I hate the stress of planning classes. Fortunately, everyone is laid back and will enjoy whatever we do. Feels like a shit ton of conditioning before we do anything though. HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah buddy. Level three? You oughta be strong by now. You aren’t? You oughta be working out with me, lol.

Well, none of the things I need to do are gonna get done while I’m sitting here writing things that no one is going to read. Have a wonderfully magical day, imaginary readers!

Black Girl Magic

I’m MAGIC, bitches.

First, let me say that the true magic would be if I didn’t get sucked down the rabbit hole every time I try to get this video for the post. Videos of great auditions from X Factor and AGT just get me and then I’m crying and not writing and I’m a damn mess.

Ok, let’s get back on track. I started off today feeling just a little off. Nothing majorly wrong, just like everything was shifted slightly to one side. I slept til my alarm (which hasn’t been happening recently) and I simply didn’t enjoy my workout this morning. That one right there is odd for me. Especially with the program I’m almost to the end of (It’s Shaun T, Let’s Get Up, let me know if you want deets.) I pushed through and finished, but yeah, meh.

Of course, feeling a little off kilter was how I wanted to theme the music, but that’s how the rabbit hole got started. Unrelated to my uncentered feeling, I was also thinking about how certain people are drawn to me. Having been me my entire life, I feel uniquely qualified to discuss the commonalities between the people who cross my path. You can take your pick as to whether it is something in them (S), something in me (D), or the combination of the two, but it happens. I’ll be the first to admit that it took me some time to fully realize what was going on, but I did figure it out. Figuring shit out really helps, ya heard?

Oh, time out here to say what’s up to the 3 or 4 of you who are reading this. Shout out to advanced English peeps from BVA, Club Med circus and/or bar peeps and maybe a roomie, and a flow arts friend. These are my guesses as to who’s reading. Also, I might know you’re reading and just not shout you out. That’s how it is.

Back to that song up there. Yeah, I guess I do be putting spells on people. Not necessarily because I want to, though. When I want to, that usually goes sideways like I’m trying to get through the Suez Canal. Keeping in line with one of the side hustles, I’ll need to keep drawing these folks in and putting my spells on them, but it’ll be for good! People flocking to my cauldron, crying “Spells, Suuny, please!” and I’ll help them, yes I will. (I have some definite Little Mermaid issues. I love that movie, I know all the words to the songs. I’ve parodied one in regards to my pole dance competition experience. You can see that here.)

Well, folks, I’m behind schedule yet again, so I better get going to try to do some catching up. Have yourselves a wonderful day because it’s almost Friday!

Let’s Go, Let’s Work!

Roll your body, work those hips

Yikes, y’all. I can clearly see why I get nothing done. Now, can I somehow make myself fix it?

I give myself this time period to empty my head of these random thoughts before I fill it up again. When I write these, the first step is to find a song that somehow correlates to what I’m rambling about for the day. This is usually the first step in my downfall of how I don’t get something posted. Today it looked like this: I need a song about putting things off or getting things done. Off to Google and then down the rabbit hole. I ended up on lists of songs about procrastination (which I didn’t really want). Oh, then I needed to know what kind of procrastinator I am. Oh, and then that page took me to another page so I could see my Chinese zodiac sign as a cartoon. Shit! I’m off on a tangent. Ok, back on track, I need a song. Oh, I love this song, is there an actual video? Hmmm, doesn’t look like it, but look at all this Lil Jon! I didn’t even realize I liked that much Lil Jon. If you need a NSFW laugh, go watch this video. I laughed so freaking hard and that’s why it takes forever to get a damn post done.

It’s a new day and I have a new opportunity to work myself into the schedule that I’ve set for myself. I’m fully aware of how time-blocking is supposed to work and if I am doing A when I’m supposed to be doing B, then when it’s time for B, I need to make it up with A. My rational mind knows this, but my rational mind isn’t very often running shit. So yesterday I got all off of my schedule and let the whole day go down in flames. I’m going to try to do better today. I have high hopes for myself. If I don’t keep getting sidetracked by YouTube. Damn, I’m a mess. Videos from the 90s give me life. And I feel like I need to learn some Thong Song choreography.

This morning I thought for a moment that maybe I have a little ADD or ADHD or something to that effect. I do find it difficult to stay focused these days. Perhaps not though. But is this one of those things where “they” say “just apply yourself” but dude, I’m trying. I just put a thin layer over here and a thin layer over there and that’s why nothing ever gets fully covered lol. And I keep adding things to the palette. It never ends. What is wrong with me?!?!? Seriously, right now I have a full-time job, a part-time job, a 200 hr yoga training to take, 3 ambassadorships (I mean, that’s just posting on IG but still), and 3 little side hustles that I’m trying to get into position. See? Why?

My standard M.O. is to pile on all these things, start one or two, get overwhelmed because I took on too much and then quit everything. I’m trying really hard to avoid that this time. I mean, I can’t quit the full-time job, lol. The part-time job is scheduled kinda like the full-time one with considerably less hours, obviously, so that one is also easy to have on the schedule. It’s the rest of the things that are what are gonna try to knock me down. Calendars and lists are gonna save my life and my sanity and get me on the right track. This is it! This is my time. Let’s go, let’s work!

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