moving forward

I Done Fucked Up Na

Did you think you were going to get away without some mindless blather from me today? Well think again! And mostly it’s because I wanted to scream a tagline to get you here on Facebook. Yes, I’m just that strange. But I’m pretty sure you also already knew that. I mean, it isn’t likely that you just stumbled upon this blog. You probably got here because I pointed you here. And thanks. Thanks for popping over here and stroking my ego. You’re the best.

I didn’t really have anything I wanted to get off my mind today, so I fell back to my old friend 365 days of writing prompts. When I read through some of them, I know that there’s no way that a post is coming out of them. Some have potential if I want to really think them out. Sometimes, one really just has to be in the mood to write or all the topics in the world could be available, but nothing will happen between the brain and the hands.

This prompt is something I think about a bit and wonder how to actually make it work. Here is my letter to my least favorite personality trait:

Hey Fear,

You know what? You aren’t welcome here any fucking more. I’m pretty fucking tired of you holding me back. You want to stick your grubby little fingers in every thing I think about doing. Everything!

You don’t just stick to fear of injury, because that one is actually mostly rational. I can accept that, even though I try through diet and exercise, I am not aging in reverse. I’ve tamed you down to a healthy and acceptable level of caution so that I can continue to do the physical silly things that I like to do. So you got restless and decided to sink your mitts into other things and you went whole fucking hog.

Hey, this will be fun. Let’s not just have a fear of failure, but let’s throw in a fear of success too! Yeah! There’s nothing better than being “stuck” because I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I am certain that I have passed up opportunities (and still do) because I’m afraid to fail or I’m afraid of being successful and leaving my comfort zone. And how ridiculous is that? I don’t want to leave my comfort zone because there might be….MORE COMFORT?!?! FFS what is wrong with me? Fear, you really gotta go.

And what’s even more fucked up is that I can see this. I fully recognize it and I continue to fail to do anything about it. You’re one strong asshole, fear, but I’ve been in the gym. I lost 20 of your fear pounds. I have 10 more to go but I’m not waiting for them to start kicking you in your fucking ass. Get gone you lazy dick! I got shit to do.

With the most sincere fuck you,

Me

There. Now to put that in an envelope, stamp it, and, I don’t know, eat it? I guess recognizing this is step one. Is there a 12 step for this? Should I create one? 12 steps to Fuck Fear. I don’t know all the steps yet. Step one has to be acknowledging that this asshole exists though. Maybe step two is realizing how fear is affecting you. Perhaps there don’t need to be 12 steps. I guess I’ll make them up as I go. Isn’t that what self-help is? (Oh no, did I eye roll right there? Oops!)

Ok, I really have to go do something about putting my foot in the ass of some fear. Oddly enough, that’s gonna happen right at this keyboard. Let me go take some of this random shit I know and put it together. Deuces!

How Many Times…

I’m pretty sure this is how the Universe feels about me.

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I’ll be waiting
Time after time

For as put-together as I may seem (to some people), the Universe basically knows I’m lost but it’s there for me if I look. Universe says it’s ok to try crazy shit, go ahead and if you fall, I got you. Universe is the net under my rig. I don’t consciously think about it often, but Universe is and always has been on my side. I have legit done some absolutely ridiculous (and a couple fucking dangerous) things and have walked away unscathed.

Not so long ago, like last week, you may recall that I asked the Universe for some guidance. Literally less than a week ago. It’s two posts ago, if that. Well, yesterday, Universe lobbed up a slow one that even I could hit. It’s really wild what can happen if you get out of your own way and allow good ole Universe to do her thing.

So, she said, ‘Hey, you have this base of knowledge in these things and you enjoy doing it so maybe learn just a little bit more about it and then monetize it.’ Well, yeah, Universe, that kinda applies to a bunch of things since I’m a Jill-of-all-trades, mistress of none. Pretty sure she sighed heavily and then talked to me like I was a 4 year-old and put some links in my face over and OVER AND OVER until I finally got the message. I got the message!

Universe ought to know by now that I don’t do well with subtlety. I have never been one who understands these little things. I am a stomp upon entry, stomp all around, stomp out the door kinda girl and that’s what I understand. If you tell me you want a cookie, I get you a cookie. If you tell me the grass is green, I get that the grass is green. If you are not being straightforward and you are trying to tell me something, it isn’t likely that it’s going to register with me. Not because I’m not listening, but because I’m blunt (Sagittarius all day long) and I expect the same from everyone else. Because of this, it’s likely that I’ve missed out on a few opportunities that Universe tried to provide. I feel that it’s also ok because if I were REALLY supposed to have something, then I would have it. This line of thinking has seemed to work for the past 47 years, so I’m gonna stick with it.

I’m not at the point where I’m ready to say what I’m up to just yet. But I feel like maybe a few side hustles are about to make their way into my life and I’m going to just roll with them and enjoy the process.

Oh, completely related to absolutely nothing, I held my handstand for 20 solid seconds today. Boom. All that is on IG. SunnyzSpinz if you want to go look. See ya later!

On Being Judged

 Maybe they’re right. Maybe there IS something wrong with my routine. I just don’t see how something I worked on so hard…could be bad.

Watch all these tricks, aren’t they neat?
Wouldn’t you think my routine is complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl,
The girl who has everything?

 Look at this trick, look at this pose
How many Ayeshas can one person hold?
Watching this show yeah you’d think
Sure, she’s got everything

 I’ve got outfits that are blinged out a plenty
I’ve got owwies and bruises galore
You want cupcakes? I’ve got twenty.
But who cares? No big deal,
I want more

 I wanna be like the best ones are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancing
Dancing around with those
What do you call ‘em? Oh, pointed toes!

 Pleasing the crowd you don’t get too far
Tricks are required for winning, placing
Strutting along onto a
What’s that word again?
Stage.

 Up where we spin, up where we fly
Up where we open up and we cry
Pole dancing free
I got to be, part of that world

What did I give, just to live
This little dream?
What did I pay to spend a day
Up on the stage?

Betcha my man, he understands
A hug is all that’s ever needed
We’re all human, we have feelings
We have great plans

I’m ready to know what the people know
Ask em my questions
And get some answers
Did you like it and did you – what’s the word?
Cheer!

It was my turn
And it was love, smiling to all of you from above!
Out on the stage
I got to be
Part of your world

I never knew – I had no idea that the physical and emotional aftermath of a competition would be so difficult! Granted, it was compounded by another factor, but holy shit! It literally took me until today to start feeling human again. Monday all I wanted to do was stay in bed as my body said, “Please! Give me rest!”  Tuesday was slightly better and yesterday, I regressed. You could see it in my face. I was tired and I was still stressed out.  I hadn’t (and still haven’t) watched my own performance. Regardless of all of the wonderful comments and congratulations I had received, I was still stressed about how the performance went. Of course, only I know how I wanted it to look and I am my own harshest critic. These things are understood in my rational and logical mind. But you know, that other part….

The other part consumed me for the last several days. Not because I didn’t win (I wasn’t expecting to) and not because I let my mom or anyone else down who came out to watch, but because I let myself down. The coulda woulda shouldas were running rampant in my head. And then the realization struck that I would receive my scores and notes from the judges. I was absolutely dreading that moment.

I went from “there is absolutely no way I am going to open that” because I knew how I felt about my routine and I expected them to feel the same to “they’re only numbers and they can’t hurt you” and opening the document and seeing handwriting and slamming that document right back shut. BUT, then I remembered who I am in name, in person, in sign.

I walk the high wire without a net across active volcanoes – blindfolded, spinning stacks of plates, holding a burning torch in my teeth. I want everyone to love and adore me as much as I do myself, then I can stop hating myself for not being all things to all people. I’m fiercely allergic to fraud and injustice and I’ll rip the mask off even the most pathetic imposter with relish. I give all my best things away and expect this and more from people I love. I know precisely how to hurt anyone, especially myself. Believe in me, and I’ll sell my soul for you. – Jane V. Limes, “How to be a Sagittarius”

And that is me on so many levels. My strengths, my weaknesses, my flaws, all laid out in 106 words. It is those 106 words that gave me the strength to open my scores and to open my heart and mind to the possibility of the pain that was about to commence.

You know what? It wasn’t that bad. From some of the scores and comments, I knew that I accomplished what I set out to do, but I realize also that I missed the mark from some perspectives. But you know what else? THAT’S OKAY!! I’m really happy that I looked at my scores and read what the judges had to say. I was expecting it to be a million times worse than it was. As soon as I finished reading, I swear to you it was like the weight I had been carrying around since Saturday night had been lifted.

I am ready to carry on. I am ready to hold my head high. I am ready to watch my routine. I am ready.

 

 

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