Ramblings

Hot Cross Butters Buns

Welcome to today’s rollercoaster that is my stream of consciousness. There’s a lot going on with this one and it may not make any sense because I will probably just let it all fly. This is what it’s like to live with me.

Keeping the streak going with day two of giving you this brain dump. That’s part one of rolling. Of course, that led me to think about the song itself. It’s hilarious to me and made even more hilarious every time I think about the commercial with the lady with this stuck as the only song that would play in her car. I’m listening to it as I write this and I mean, chocolate starfish. How do you not laugh at that? Also, this got seriously sidetracked as I got way too into the song.

In my all-inclusive resort days, we did a lot of sketches and I always thought that this would be a funny one.

Lighting Cue: Dark Stage. Red spotlight on subject, soft yellow light to illuminate the area around the subject.
Scene: Fireplace, rug, side table with lamp, cushioned chair. Subject is wearing a smoking jacket, has a pipe and a large hardcover book.
Subject: <looks up at audience, opens book, clears throat> *tone: deadpan serious* Chocolate starfish.
Subject: <turns page, clears throat again> *read in a not-quite-Shattner way* Hands up. Now, hands down.
Subject: <brings hand to ear> Tell me. What are you going to do now?
Keep rolling, rolling, rolling.
What?
Keep rolling, rolling, rolling.
Come on.
Keep rolling, rolling, rolling.
Yes.

I promise you that this would be funny. Some of us talked about doing it but that was also in the days of small ears around so you couldn’t really be funny with the cursing. Ahhh, bummer.

This is also how the stream works. I had a whole bunch to say, but I also have work to do while I’m trying to get this all out. It just so happens that I almost always get interrupted and then kaboom! Where did all of those great ideas go?!?! Sumummabitch.

This is also how the stream works. Yesterday was tits out Tuesday and so I was thinking that today would be wangs out Wednesday but wangs is so boring. Maybe the Mid-Week Middle Leg? Wee Wee Wednesday? Wieners Out Wednesday? (That’s a definite possibility, h/t Leopold Butters Stotch) Oh yeah, it’s gotta be Butters.

Now that has been decided, the serious work can begin. *insert hard eye roll cuz we ain’t doing shit over here*

But speaking of whipping things out, about 25 (holy shit) years ago, I lived in New York. There was a radio station with a show that did all kinds of silly things, but one of the two that I really remembered was W.O.W. Whip em out Wednesday. They legit had bumper stickers printed up and tons of people had them on their cars. All you had to do was have one and you might, on a Wednesday, be the lucky recipient of a pair of flashed titties. (I was never a flasher…it was pre-boob job, lol) It was pretty amusing and somehow there was never a cop around or you never heard about anyone getting in trouble for it. Hmmmmmm. Probably wouldn’t fly today.

Ok, that’s it. I’m keeping it short and sweet. Come back tomorrow and I’ll tell you something funny again. Or you can ask me something in the comments and I’ll probably answer you, lol. Or you can request a story. PG-13 is the max dirty unless you wanna pay for it. 🙂

See ya tomorrow!

It’s My World

Uuuuuggggh. Over the course of the last 11 days, I have started three blog posts, this being the third. Let’s see if this one gets all the way to completion and posted. I really would have been great on Tumblr because I don’t always have enough thoughts for a full blog post, but I have some super one-liners. In my opinion, anyway.

So back on the second, I had my video and everything. Living On A Prayer because we were halfway there. Halfway through the year. And honestly, about that, WTF?!?! How did half of the year get by us already? Yikes. If I made New Year’s Resolutions, now would be the time I would look at them and go, oh shit, I haven’t done any of this. But, I decided back in January that I wasn’t going to do that. I was making New Day Resolutions, giving myself 365 chances to get it right instead of one. I think my NDR was to simply be better than the day before or something like that. Probably not, dammit. Now I have to look.

Ok, I had 5 NDRs. Exercise/yoga, meditate, handstand, write/blog, flow. As we sit beyond the halfway point of the year, I probably haven’t been doing well with my NDRs outside of exercise. I think today just happens to be an “on” day for me as I will likely hit all the points today. I guess that the halfway point of the year is a great point to get back on track since I completely forgot about those things. Mind you, even though I forgot about them, or I haven’t been actively thinking about them, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t been happening. The writing takes the biggest hit, followed by flow. Exercise happens 6 out of 7 days because that’s an ingrained habit already. Handstands happen here and there. Man, I gotta get on the fucking ball. Anywho….

Yesterday, I had started another post as well. Monday is the day that the landscapers come, so the video was for Oh So Quiet because OMG why can’t they STFU. Yes, I realize they have a job to do but come on, Mantequilla, I have work to do also. I have this thing about silence and how much I enjoy it. I mean complete silence. At most, nature sounds from birds. I don’t want white noise, the tv, the radio. Just shhhhhhh. For whatever reason, me and focus aren’t friends, so any little thing is shiny and a squirrel for me to look at. I’ve been trying to get better at focus, but that is a really long work in progress.

Back to today, I’m for sure going to hit those NDRs. I might even pull the tracker back out because I’m feeling a little bit encouraged. I love to fill in a block or use coloring pencils or crayons (and I have a ton of them, lol) so yeah, that sounds like a good idea for today. Or maybe even the whiteboard (I have three. I’m mildly odd with office supplies. We have more writing utensils in here than Office Depot.) Come on, excitement train! Keep on rolling!

So yeah, this is my world. Some days it’s mad hectic and some days it’s shut all the fucking way down. That’s just how I roll. That sounds worse than the reality is, but I’ll paint outside my lines and you can paint outside of yours.

While I’d love to stay and chat, I have several things to accomplish including getting myself prepared to teach three pole classes over the next 7 days. One of those is my normal class and two are levels which I don’t usually do – one beginner, one not so beginner. I love planning classes but I hate the stress of planning classes. Fortunately, everyone is laid back and will enjoy whatever we do. Feels like a shit ton of conditioning before we do anything though. HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah buddy. Level three? You oughta be strong by now. You aren’t? You oughta be working out with me, lol.

Well, none of the things I need to do are gonna get done while I’m sitting here writing things that no one is going to read. Have a wonderfully magical day, imaginary readers!

A ROCO Ray of Sunshine

As the music rises to a crescendo this fine Friday morning, let the congregation say ROCO! Yes, my friends, it is time. You have made it through another week. It may not have looked like any other week prior, but you made it nonetheless. So lift your glasses and shake your asses because the Rev. SteelerShyner, along with the congregation, says ROCO.

Don’t ya just hate it when a short work week feels like it took six days? I know that I sure do. I don’t even dislike my job. I mean, the people are nice, the work is easy (I guess if I had to complain about something, it would be that), I can wear whatever I want, and no one ever microwaves fish or burns popcorn in the microwave. Win. But this still did feel like a long week. Perhaps that’s because we threw a tropical storm/baby hurricane into the mix. Truly it was just a lot of rain and a little wind. At least in my area.

Ok, back to this weekend idea. Usually, folks say “I’m gonna start this new thing on Monday” but I said who’s got time so I got back to my meditation this morning. Meditation is one of those things that really does not take a large amount of time, but it does make a difference when practiced regularly. My logical mind knows this, and yet my monkey mind always has a million reasons why I don’t have those 10 or 15 minutes. Well this morning, I threw a banana over in the corner to occupy the monkey so I could get my meditation on.

Something I’ve been struggling with recently is keeping focus. I kind of only notice it when my workouts slip. Or, I guess I only do anything about it when my workouts slip. This morning I started a Finding Focus course. 30 sessions. Monkey mind would say ‘you don’t have 30 days to try to focus; you need to focus today’ but the reality is that if I don’t start today, in 30 days I’ll be in the same place as I am right now. That fucking monkey is a real asshole.

In the course of today’s meditation, we did some visualizations which were interesting. For the most part we were placing focus on different areas in the body, most of which aligned with different chakras. Chart below if you’re curious. Link below that for more info.

https://7chakrastore.com/blogs/news/chakra-char

What was interesting this morning was that during my visualizations, I’m shining a bright white light on these areas. We did the sacral, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. Every time, chakra work is different, or at least it is for me. If I had to take a guess, I’d say that both my sacral and third eye chakras are blocked, but oddly enough, my crown chakra is wide open and brighter than a motherfucker. Now, I could look at that in two ways. Either all of that crown energy is going to dissipate because I haven’t gotten my third eye open, or all of that crown energy is going to combust and shit is gonna hit the fan, the walls, the ceiling and everywhere else. Considering that it could go either way or some other crazy way, perhaps I’ll just do some work on that third eye.

Even with blockages, it was easy to find a mantra for focus. I’m a motherfucking ray of light and I radiate love. I’m a motherfucking ray of light and I openly receive love. I’m a motherfucking ray of light and I speak honestly and with clarity. I’m a motherfucking ray of light and I see clearly. You see, all the years I’ve been doing yoga actually did sink in. When I am able to be fully clear, I’ll be a motherfucking ray of light and oh shit she’s back. So yeah, there’s that for me to look forward to and for you to be concerned about, lol.

In the meantime, I think I’m going to go ahead and get back on my focus train. The bills are getting paid but I think I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me enough that I could be paying them another way if I simply applied myself for once in my fucking life. So here I go. I’m putting Shyne all over that shit.

Have a great weekend!

Get Up! (Get On Up)

Yep, this is what I had to tell myself this morning. It was more stay on the scene (sex machine) than it was get up though. When the alarm goes off, I have no problem getting out of the bed. Part of that is usually because I’m already halfway awake. The other part is that, even though Lovey says he doesn’t hear/feel my alarm (it’s on my Fitbit), I always feel like I’m waking him up and I’m trying to avoid that. He says he never hears me but you know in my head it sounds like I’m dropping grenades with every footstep.

You may have heard me mention previously that, over the last decade, I’ve been through many of the Beachbody programs and just recently decided to become a coach. What does that even mean? Well, to me it’s the opportunity to introduce folks to Beachbody and to encourage folks to walk with us at The Fit Inn. At TFI, we encourage each other and we laugh and smile while we work out. Nobody gets left behind. We all keep each other accountable. What does that mean to you? I guess it depends on the algorithms, really. You’ll see me post about it and I’ll show you videos of what I’m up to and I’ll invite you to join me. That’s it. I’m not gonna chase you down. I’m not gonna hound you. I’m just gonna be here for you when you are ready to invest in yourself. And yes, it’s an investment.

Anywho, at this very moment, I’m between programs (There are a ton of different programs on Beachbody for a ton of different ways you wanna work out) as the new launch is on July 19th. I have no schedule right now so I’m left to pick something. Now, when you’ve gone and joined me in The Fit Inn, you won’t run into this problem because we work out together on a calendar. There’s no more procrastination, no wasting time. You know what you need to do and you do it. Badda bing, badda boom.

I’ll admit that I spent a little too much time deciding on what to do today. That’s a problem that comes with having done many of the programs and having a lot of favorites. And that’s not a bad problem to have. It just isn’t a problem that YOU have to have.

Damn girl! Is this whole blog gonna be a commercial?!?! Uh, yeah, today it is.
– All 5 readers of this blog

Ok, so to end today’s informercial, it could be me, you and Amoila on July 19th. We’re working on strength and functional fitness. That’s right baby, let’s get that body moving nice and smooth (is funky). You want in? Click anywhere in this sentence to say so! The group is starting on July 19th and I cannot wait to get on it. But why?

Lemme tell you. I have finally shed some of the weight I gained since moving to Florida and now I’m ready to get back into pole shape. I want to move fluidly and I want to lift my ass over my head and this program is gonna help me get there. You got some goals like that? You better click that link. Did I mention it’s in your house? When it’s convenient for you? Well it is. Click it.

Nobody Makes Me Bleed My Own Blood

There’s definitely a theme going on here. Have you sensed it yet? Can you smell the earth around you? Feel the dampness of the night? Hear the crinkling of the leaves? Taste the antiseptic air? See the huge fucking needle coming towards your arm? Yeah, that’s right, I had to give up some blood today. It’s simply never simple and I hate it.

Over the course of my lifetime, there have been varying degrees of difficulty with which blood has been squeezed from this rock. Likely the earliest time I remember was for when I went to the hospital for headaches as a child. That nurse traumatized the whole entire fuck out of me with her complete lack of phlebotomy skills. Ever since then, it’s been a hodgepodge of blown out veins, bruises, and sore arms. There has legitimately been ONE time where the phleb tech was in and out of my arm before I knew she was there.

Cue this morning’s trip to Quest is a vampire. Look, this isn’t about Quest as a company. They do their thing. I don’t have an issue with them. It isn’t even really about this phleb tech although she is on the hot seat for today. My body is very White Goodman about bleeding my own blood.

I’m as prepped as I can be for today’s trauma. I’m hydrated, I’m fasting, and I worked out so my blood pressure is elevated. (I’m sure I’m over 120/80 already) (that last part is to get the blood out even faster so they can get the fuck out of my arm) I’m in the chair and the tech is doing her computer shit. Sitting there ratcheting up the blood pressure (probably at HBP levels now) because I hate being there. She finally hits print and I’m watching. 1. 2. 3. Fuck. 4. Come on. 5. Ugh. 5 tubes today. Ok, I can do this. After all, I’m just sitting here.

So she asks my preferred arm (right, because you literally can’t see a damn thing in my left) and I put it out there for her. She looks at my arm then looks at me and asks if I’ve had any water today. Yes. I’m hydrated. I’m getting 8 8s a day. I had about 16oz before I came here. Oh, ok. You just have tiny veins. She reaches for the butterfly kit. I rejoice. There is nothing I despise more than when a tech tries to change the tubes right at my arm. My veins are too small for that, ya heard?!?! I tell her at this time, that, I’ve been told that my veins also roll. She nods in affirmation.

In she goes. Know what? I felt it and it was a strong pinch. I know that means that this is not going to go smoothly. Notch up that BP a few more levels. I’m looking away because I cannot deal with seeing that needle in my arm nor my lifeforce being drained from my body. But I know for sure when she’s changing tubes. First tube is full no real problems. She changes to the second tube and about halfway through it, I feel the needle start to move. Now shit gets real. I’m not looking at my arm and I’m not looking at her, but I know what’s happening nevertheless.

I close my eyes because the next few minutes are gonna suck. I can STILL feel the needle shifting slightly. Tube 2 is done and we’re on to number 3. Guess what? That vein that I told her was gonna roll? It rolled. And so now, she’s gotta be pressing down on my arm to reseat the needle to get blood. For 3 tubes. I might be dying. I’m feeling this pinching at least an inch above where she has the needle inserted now. She busts through the last tubes and says, ok, we’re done. But the needle is still in my arm so we are not done. As she removes the needle, she does I don’t know the fuck what but it BURNS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER and I feel it up the inside of my arm. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?!?! But ask me again why I don’t donate blood. FOH!

Finally done and back home and I can get rid of the bandages that they’ve provided. When I take it off, I see the proof that I’ve had another shitty blood draw. One might expect to see a drop of blood on your little gauze square, right? Sure, of course. What one does not expect to see is a line of blood like my vein spurted out after she took the needle out. FFS. I’ll be surprised if I make it to the end of the day without being bruised. Weeee! And now just a few more days and I can find out the results and probably get stuck with more needles.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk on phlebotomy sucking balls. See you back here tomorrow for more comedy and wisdom.

Ramblings

Hot Cross Butters Buns

It’s My World

A ROCO Ray of Sunshine

Get Up! (Get On Up)

Nobody Makes Me Bleed My Own Blood

You Missed

Nothing To See Here

Too Damn Slow

Ghosts (of Days Gone By)

Raunchy Activated