There’s definitely a theme going on here. Have you sensed it yet? Can you smell the earth around you? Feel the dampness of the night? Hear the crinkling of the leaves? Taste the antiseptic air? See the huge fucking needle coming towards your arm? Yeah, that’s right, I had to give up some blood today. It’s simply never simple and I hate it.
Over the course of my lifetime, there have been varying degrees of difficulty with which blood has been squeezed from this rock. Likely the earliest time I remember was for when I went to the hospital for headaches as a child. That nurse traumatized the whole entire fuck out of me with her complete lack of phlebotomy skills. Ever since then, it’s been a hodgepodge of blown out veins, bruises, and sore arms. There has legitimately been ONE time where the phleb tech was in and out of my arm before I knew she was there.
Cue this morning’s trip to Quest is a vampire. Look, this isn’t about Quest as a company. They do their thing. I don’t have an issue with them. It isn’t even really about this phleb tech although she is on the hot seat for today. My body is very White Goodman about bleeding my own blood.
I’m as prepped as I can be for today’s trauma. I’m hydrated, I’m fasting, and I worked out so my blood pressure is elevated. (I’m sure I’m over 120/80 already) (that last part is to get the blood out even faster so they can get the fuck out of my arm) I’m in the chair and the tech is doing her computer shit. Sitting there ratcheting up the blood pressure (probably at HBP levels now) because I hate being there. She finally hits print and I’m watching. 1. 2. 3. Fuck. 4. Come on. 5. Ugh. 5 tubes today. Ok, I can do this. After all, I’m just sitting here.
So she asks my preferred arm (right, because you literally can’t see a damn thing in my left) and I put it out there for her. She looks at my arm then looks at me and asks if I’ve had any water today. Yes. I’m hydrated. I’m getting 8 8s a day. I had about 16oz before I came here. Oh, ok. You just have tiny veins. She reaches for the butterfly kit. I rejoice. There is nothing I despise more than when a tech tries to change the tubes right at my arm. My veins are too small for that, ya heard?!?! I tell her at this time, that, I’ve been told that my veins also roll. She nods in affirmation.
In she goes. Know what? I felt it and it was a strong pinch. I know that means that this is not going to go smoothly. Notch up that BP a few more levels. I’m looking away because I cannot deal with seeing that needle in my arm nor my lifeforce being drained from my body. But I know for sure when she’s changing tubes. First tube is full no real problems. She changes to the second tube and about halfway through it, I feel the needle start to move. Now shit gets real. I’m not looking at my arm and I’m not looking at her, but I know what’s happening nevertheless.
I close my eyes because the next few minutes are gonna suck. I can STILL feel the needle shifting slightly. Tube 2 is done and we’re on to number 3. Guess what? That vein that I told her was gonna roll? It rolled. And so now, she’s gotta be pressing down on my arm to reseat the needle to get blood. For 3 tubes. I might be dying. I’m feeling this pinching at least an inch above where she has the needle inserted now. She busts through the last tubes and says, ok, we’re done. But the needle is still in my arm so we are not done. As she removes the needle, she does I don’t know the fuck what but it BURNS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER and I feel it up the inside of my arm. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?!?! But ask me again why I don’t donate blood. FOH!
Finally done and back home and I can get rid of the bandages that they’ve provided. When I take it off, I see the proof that I’ve had another shitty blood draw. One might expect to see a drop of blood on your little gauze square, right? Sure, of course. What one does not expect to see is a line of blood like my vein spurted out after she took the needle out. FFS. I’ll be surprised if I make it to the end of the day without being bruised. Weeee! And now just a few more days and I can find out the results and probably get stuck with more needles.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk on phlebotomy sucking balls. See you back here tomorrow for more comedy and wisdom.
Oh man that sucks. My.dad is that way too. He hates needles and says it hurts Soo much. I don’t even notice but maybe that’s cause I got big juicy veins in my arms. They’re So ugly. Well at least you got cute little veins . From the sounds of it Might be less painful and traumatic if they just punch you in the face and let your lip bleed into their vials.
LOL!! It seriously might be less stress to take the punch!