On Being Judged

 Maybe they’re right. Maybe there IS something wrong with my routine. I just don’t see how something I worked on so hard…could be bad.

Watch all these tricks, aren’t they neat?
Wouldn’t you think my routine is complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl,
The girl who has everything?

 Look at this trick, look at this pose
How many Ayeshas can one person hold?
Watching this show yeah you’d think
Sure, she’s got everything

 I’ve got outfits that are blinged out a plenty
I’ve got owwies and bruises galore
You want cupcakes? I’ve got twenty.
But who cares? No big deal,
I want more

 I wanna be like the best ones are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancing
Dancing around with those
What do you call ‘em? Oh, pointed toes!

 Pleasing the crowd you don’t get too far
Tricks are required for winning, placing
Strutting along onto a
What’s that word again?

 Up where we spin, up where we fly
Up where we open up and we cry
Pole dancing free
I got to be, part of that world

What did I give, just to live
This little dream?
What did I pay to spend a day
Up on the stage?

Betcha my man, he understands
A hug is all that’s ever needed
We’re all human, we have feelings
We have great plans

I’m ready to know what the people know
Ask em my questions
And get some answers
Did you like it and did you – what’s the word?

It was my turn
And it was love, smiling to all of you from above!
Out on the stage
I got to be
Part of your world

I never knew – I had no idea that the physical and emotional aftermath of a competition would be so difficult! Granted, it was compounded by another factor, but holy shit! It literally took me until today to start feeling human again. Monday all I wanted to do was stay in bed as my body said, “Please! Give me rest!”  Tuesday was slightly better and yesterday, I regressed. You could see it in my face. I was tired and I was still stressed out.  I hadn’t (and still haven’t) watched my own performance. Regardless of all of the wonderful comments and congratulations I had received, I was still stressed about how the performance went. Of course, only I know how I wanted it to look and I am my own harshest critic. These things are understood in my rational and logical mind. But you know, that other part….

The other part consumed me for the last several days. Not because I didn’t win (I wasn’t expecting to) and not because I let my mom or anyone else down who came out to watch, but because I let myself down. The coulda woulda shouldas were running rampant in my head. And then the realization struck that I would receive my scores and notes from the judges. I was absolutely dreading that moment.

I went from “there is absolutely no way I am going to open that” because I knew how I felt about my routine and I expected them to feel the same to “they’re only numbers and they can’t hurt you” and opening the document and seeing handwriting and slamming that document right back shut. BUT, then I remembered who I am in name, in person, in sign.

I walk the high wire without a net across active volcanoes – blindfolded, spinning stacks of plates, holding a burning torch in my teeth. I want everyone to love and adore me as much as I do myself, then I can stop hating myself for not being all things to all people. I’m fiercely allergic to fraud and injustice and I’ll rip the mask off even the most pathetic imposter with relish. I give all my best things away and expect this and more from people I love. I know precisely how to hurt anyone, especially myself. Believe in me, and I’ll sell my soul for you. – Jane V. Limes, “How to be a Sagittarius”

And that is me on so many levels. My strengths, my weaknesses, my flaws, all laid out in 106 words. It is those 106 words that gave me the strength to open my scores and to open my heart and mind to the possibility of the pain that was about to commence.

You know what? It wasn’t that bad. From some of the scores and comments, I knew that I accomplished what I set out to do, but I realize also that I missed the mark from some perspectives. But you know what else? THAT’S OKAY!! I’m really happy that I looked at my scores and read what the judges had to say. I was expecting it to be a million times worse than it was. As soon as I finished reading, I swear to you it was like the weight I had been carrying around since Saturday night had been lifted.

I am ready to carry on. I am ready to hold my head high. I am ready to watch my routine. I am ready.



The End.

Whew! It’s over. Colorado Pole Championship 2014 has come and gone. The most prevalent question is always, “Did you win?”  The answer: no, in a trophy or medal way, I didn’t. But in so many other ways, yes, yes I did.
To my fellow Masters Division competitors, THANK YOU! You ladies made this experience so much less stressful and so much more enjoyable with your compassion, love, and understanding. Even though medals and trophies separate us, we still stood together (or leaned on our wheeled walkers together) in support for one another. I can be almost 100% certain that this is not how all competitions go, so I am oh so thankful to have had this experience with you. Mel, Lisa, Kris, Tammy…you’ll be in my heart forever. I’m so proud of each and every one of you for getting up there and putting your hearts and souls on display.
To Leesi and Sasha, for without you, I would be trying to pole on thin air, thank you for your generosity in allowing me to utilize your equipment and facilities to work out this performance. You are certainly my enablers in the best possible kind of way.
To Nina, for without you, there wouldn’t have even been this opportunity to perform. Thanks for holding it down for Colorado and giving competitors and those who wish to compete one day a place to do just that.
To Team Imperial Flyers, YOU GUYS!!! Thank you for coming out to the show! I loved seeing you there and I hope you had a blast. Nicky, Kristen, Violeta, and Alex, from the rig to the stage – HEP!
To the ladies of Boulder Spirals, much love. You guys are so supportive and you always have a smile and a hug for me no matter how long it’s been since I’ve seen you, poled with you, or even chatted with you. It’s with you ladies that I cut my pole teeth and for that, and for your love, I’ll be forever grateful. Jaslee, Leslie, Daisy, Linda, Chrissy, everyone. Thank you. <3 To my L’Ru Crew, well, I’m not sure what to say outside of FUCK YEAH! For having my back. For yelling till you’re hoarse. For laughing with me in the studio when I’m complaining about a move ripping off ass meat. For still loving me if I catch up to you in PDP on Monday nights. For accepting me for who I am, baked goods and all, lol. Joy, Alexis, Amber, Chelsie, Meg, (I know I am missing ladies and I am SORRY!!) but MAD LOVE to you guys! To ALL of the competitors, you all rocked! Thank you for sharing your vision and your talent. Thank you for your comraderie back stage. Ariel and Dave, Lauren, Nadia for being extra nice to someone you didn’t know. Meri and Sara, for just being you. 😀 To every single person that put two hands together or opened their mouth to cheer, thank you. There were some folks that knew me but I didn’t recognize in the excitement of the moment. For that, I apologize, but know that I am grateful. To the complete strangers who really got it, who got the energy, who felt pulled into the fun, this one was for you. Thank you for making me a winner! To my makeup guru, Holly (and her mom Tracy), a million thanks for helping me create the look I was going for. Great big expressive eyes to help tell my story. I do a lot of talking with my eyes and you certainly helped me to tell my story! Last, and certainly not least, I’d like to thank my family. Thanks to my brother, Jesse. Thanks to April for coming out. A tremendous thank you to my mom for FLYING OUT to see all of these shenanigans. And thanks to my hubby, Jorge, for putting up with all of the time away from the house, the grumpiness, the aches and pains, and everything in general that comes with competition training. I really couldn’t have done it without your support. So, in the end, did I walk away with a trophy? Nope. But, did I walk away with a sense of accomplishment, a sense of satisfaction, a feeling that I shared my energy? Yes, I did. Did people tell me they were encouraged to try pole based on my performance? Yes. Did a husband ask me to try to coerce his wife into competing? Yes. While I may not have touched the judges, I moved the crowd, and to me, that is far more important. Thanks, CPC, it was a wild ride. image


Towards The End


Yep, that’s my theme song for the next 18 days. Ahhh, push it. Push into those splits! Push that food down (stupid broken hungry button), push, push, push ups. But, on the up side, I’m taking these 18 days (plus another couple) to try to start some good habits. One of these is meditation. My mind is constantly racing and I think that slowing it down could be a good thing…before I burn it out. Being still has always been a tough obstacle for me, but calming and clearing the mind is exactly what I need to focus on the tasks ahead.

Meditation, the way I’m doing/learning it anyway, is a mere ten minutes out of my day. That makes it a whole lot easier to get to than the yin yoga I’m trying to do before bed as that’s an hour. Sometimes the absolute hardest thing for me is to make time to do things. The worst part of that is that, more often than not, it’s a question of just getting up and doing it because I’m not busy at that time of the evening. I’m just lazy. But, 21 days to habit and all that jazz.

Quite some time ago, I tried to plan out how I wanted to go about this competition preparation. I gave myself about four weeks to figure out choreography and the last 2 weeks before the show to rehearse. Oddly enough, I’m slightly ahead of schedule with 18 days to go.  My choreography is done outside of some tweaks here and there. Or at least, it’s done in my head. Transferring it to my body could be an entirely different story, but one that I hope has a happy ending. Nothing super tough as I’m going for clean performance over sloppy with harder tricks. Stamina will be the most difficult part, as it always is. I have a terrible habit of performing on pure adrenaline even though it usually works out.

I have to take a moment here to wonder, where the heck did the year go?!?! Yesterday was the “unofficial” end of summer. The day before that we were out buying gear to get ready for snowboarding. Picked up a sexy jacket.

So, yeah, we’re ready for the mountains and all the snow that comes with it. Ok, maybe I’m not ready for the snowy driving because it stresses me to no end, but I’m ready to hit the slalom course already. Maybe a couple of jumps too. Maybe even some time tumbling at Progresh because I love that place and they have the most awesome dude, possibly ever, teaching their tumbling these days and I do love to think I can tumble. (I can’t, lol.)

I suppose that, most importantly, the time is nearly upon me to begin my training for some semblance of freedom. While the five year plan is to move to Mexico, I could be coerced into living in Florida, but only in the Keys, if I can manage to make the ‘work remotely from anywhere’ concept work for me. The road to freedom is long and kinda pricey, but if that there pot of gold is at the end of the road, it’ll all be worth it.

Ok, enough of the blathering for the day. Go do something!