poop

I have a friend, we’ll call her H. H is very low-maintenance. Always there when I need her. Haven’t had a problem with her since we met in September of 2005. Some may say that I’m not the best friend to H. I’ve left her alone in the rain and at times, I’ve driven her harder than she prefers, but overall, things aren’t so bad between us. (In case you hadn’t figured it, H is my car.)

H has, what I at first believed to be, quite a cushy parking spot. She’s out of the direct sunlight most of the time, shaded by either our house, or the great mango tree in the front. She used to be happy there and I used to be happy she was there. Now, things have changed.

Iggy (and his wife/life partner) have moved in. There was no warning, no moving van, no “Hi, we’re the new neighbors”. The only way that I know that the Iggys are around is that they’ve taken to leaving presents for, or I should say on, H.

The Iggys have made a residence in the mango tree. For the most part, they’re quiet neighbors and you wouldn’t even know they’re there except for one glaring huge middle iguana finger thrust at me on a daily basis….

THEY SHIT ON MY CAR!

I will soon wash the paint off of H because of the daily washing that she needs because the Iggys are disgusting pigs. If you weren’t aware, iguanas poop in much the same way as birds. LARGE birds! Every morning I go out to my car, half asleep, to find the present of the day. Today, it looked as though the Iggys put in a joint effort. There’s a large section of my back window that I cannot see out of. It’s gross. It’s annoying. It’s offending. Some folks want to call someone to take them away, but as I believe that the Iggy family are all either spies or CIA agents, or Jack Bauers in training, they are never seen.

Now, I am angry. Do not look for me, do not call me, for I will not be around. I am becoming one with the Iggy family. I will hold vigil in my front yard with the necessary equipment to remove the crapmakers. I will think like them, I will look like them, I will eat like them, and I will kill them. Hopefully before I poop on someone else’s car.