2024

Wash It Away

The thing about having a blog that no one reads is that no one reads it.

TW: SU!C!DE

It probably isn’t normal (and shouldn’t seem so to me) to just be randomly typing this out, but I’m not normal. Yes, I look at this from an outside perspective.

Just over two years ago, I was one mean look away from not being here any more. I spent quite a bit of time on the ledge, looking over, thinking about the consequences. I have friends who have passed be it by their own hand or nature’s hand and it truly sucks for those who remain.

Even though no one reads this, I’m not going to go into too many details. I had one main reason that I’m still walking around two years later.

When you’re standing on that ledge and it’s cold and windy and you’re just trying to hold yourself together long enough to maybe make it down, you start to crack. Depending on how long you’re up there before someone pulls you down or you manage to get yourself down, some crack more than others.

Here’s the thing, those cracks, they don’t go away. Maybe they’ve been glued but more likely they’ve been taped, and eventually, that tape is going to fall away or you’ll be dropped off the cliff, and once again, broken.

I can’t even explain how fucking exhausting this is. To make the effort to heal to just be broken again. Even when put back together with gold, the shatter remains the same. Perhaps some of us are meant to simply remain broken. It seems unfair, but what in this life really is fair?

But here I fucking am. Again. Mixing up something to try to put myself together again. A.FUCKING.GAIN. I’m tired and I don’t know that it’s worth it but the aftermath won’t allow me to just let go. Get on the struggle bus, bitch. We’re crying around the neighborhood.

It Has Begun

Another year gone by, another January 1 present. BFD.

Here I am again because I said I would start writing again a couple months ago when I was complimented on my verbal musings. On the ‘for me’ side, this is therapy. It probably won’t be great to start as I’m gonna have to prime the pump again, but hopefully the stream will smooth out over time. I think that I’ll have to go back to writing prompts as well. Coming up with things on the daily was a lot easier when I left the house, but those days are long gone.

Hilariously, the prompt is “Practice Makes Perfect – talk about a talent you’d love to have but don’t.” Before I go through my self-deprecating list of talents I don’t have, we should clarify talent vs skill. Talent is what you’re naturally good at, so for me, that’s breathing. Skill is something you’re good at through practice. So, I try to believe I have some writing skills. That’s about where we land.

Now talents I’d like to have? Sheesh. Flexibility, because yeah, some people are naturally flexible. It would be cool to be able to sing or dance well. Is balance a talent? Is mental health? *laughs maniacally*

Can’t have what we can’t have, kids. I can’t have what I can’t have.

Spent some time perusing old posts to see if I already told this story, but I couldn’t find it and I need to fill up some space so here we go:

Back in the high school days, my only talent was probably narrowly avoiding getting in trouble. I was too much silly and too much energy and too other things and not enough something else. Being “gifted” gives you a certain amount of leeway (that completely fucks you later in life but that’s another story we all know about. read a meme) that kept me out of detention. I mean, that and a healthy fear of going home and explaining that.

As some things don’t change, my sense of humor then was similarly as fucked up as it is now. If it’s inappropriate and I’m not supposed to laugh, well, yeah, I’m gonna laugh.

Here I sit at a table with my friends in a class called Creative Meals & Childcare with a teacher with a slight lisp. I am pretty certain that I had come into the class wound up and the events that transpired were classic me.

For whatever reason, even though it’s fucking high school, we’re taking turns reading aloud from the book. The book. About childcare. And I’m a sophmore who’s 2 years younger than everyone else. And I have a giggle problem. Because I am a trouble magnet, I have been called on to read what’s next.

It’s the childcare portion of the class and we’re learning about changing diapers and safety. The paragraph I’m reading talks about how you always have to keep one hand on the baby so it doesn’t roll off the table. Did you laugh right there? Because I sure as fuck did in the class. The struggle was REAL to continue reading as the teacher asked me if I thought a baby falling off a table was funny. Of course it isn’t, but you asking me if it is, yeah, that’s funny. Just another incident of scooting by trouble and brushing all up against it but never getting in it.

I think that’s it for today. I feel a little better than I did when I started. Session concluded. Come back tomorrow (or whenever I manage to post again) for another trauma response or some erotica. You never know so you’ll just have to stay tuned.