The thing about having a blog that no one reads is that no one reads it.
TW: SU!C!DE
It probably isn’t normal (and shouldn’t seem so to me) to just be randomly typing this out, but I’m not normal. Yes, I look at this from an outside perspective.
Just over two years ago, I was one mean look away from not being here any more. I spent quite a bit of time on the ledge, looking over, thinking about the consequences. I have friends who have passed be it by their own hand or nature’s hand and it truly sucks for those who remain.
Even though no one reads this, I’m not going to go into too many details. I had one main reason that I’m still walking around two years later.
When you’re standing on that ledge and it’s cold and windy and you’re just trying to hold yourself together long enough to maybe make it down, you start to crack. Depending on how long you’re up there before someone pulls you down or you manage to get yourself down, some crack more than others.
Here’s the thing, those cracks, they don’t go away. Maybe they’ve been glued but more likely they’ve been taped, and eventually, that tape is going to fall away or you’ll be dropped off the cliff, and once again, broken.
I can’t even explain how fucking exhausting this is. To make the effort to heal to just be broken again. Even when put back together with gold, the shatter remains the same. Perhaps some of us are meant to simply remain broken. It seems unfair, but what in this life really is fair?
But here I fucking am. Again. Mixing up something to try to put myself together again. A.FUCKING.GAIN. I’m tired and I don’t know that it’s worth it but the aftermath won’t allow me to just let go. Get on the struggle bus, bitch. We’re crying around the neighborhood.