Open letter to applicants

I know I promised nothing of substance today.  I lied.

Dear Candidate:

Let's start with the fact that you showed up a little more than 15 minutes late for your interview.  And when I come to get you from reception, you should make somewhat of an effort to be nice to me.  Oh, and before you got here, you might have considered combing your hair and/or ironing your clothes.  By the way, those black man shoes really don't go with your tan pinstriped suit.

 
Granted, I didn't interview you, nor did I hear any part of said interviews, but when the director asks you to fill out an application and you ask for a pen?!?!?!  You're applying for a position that pays in the range of $75K a year and you can't bring a pen?!?!  And no, we won't reimburse your parking since you didn't park in our building as specified, but yes, if you park in our building, we will "give you a payment".
 
By the way, I'm the admin, so you really shouldn't be posing questions to me such as: "So how many days until I will know if I am accepted?"  I'm in charge of scissors and paper, not hiring and firing.  Do I think it's right for some employers to demand that you speak Spanish to be hired?  No, not really, but I do think it's right for us to demand that you speak clear and coherent English.  Even the director said he/she couldn't understand half of the things you said.
 
And if all of that wasn't bad enough, let's have a look-see at that application you filled out with your borrowed pen.  HOLY SHIT!  Who wrote this?  A 90 year old with terrible arthritis?  It could be just me, but if I'm filling out a JOB APPLICATION, I would at least make an effort to make it legible.  Why did you lie and said that you're fluent in English?  It's obvious to me and everyone that talked to you that you are not.  You don't follow directions very well, not even on the application.  When asked why you left your last position, "I moved to a nearest position" isn't the best of answers.
 
Last, but not least, that last company you worked for (for not so long), you should probably figure out what the name of the company is and how to spell it.  Deciphering hieroglyphics isn't in my job description.  ENGIGHBORHOODS isn't the correct spelling of anything.  You're a dyslexic DBA?  You're a BAD?  Exactly.  We'll be in touch.

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Mid-week observations

Again, I don't have anything of substance to talk about so you get a list.

  • My eyes are slowly and painfully being squeezed out of my head by exploding sinus cavities across my cheeckbones and my forehead (if there are some up there).
  • I finally managed to get some sleep last night.  Hooray.
  • Just because I'm not looking at you doesn't mean that I'm not listening to you even if I'm on the other side of the room.
  • I won't forget for a looooong time if you say something that is insulting to me although I probably won't mention it at the time.
  • Jesus I hate Miami. (Yes, I know.  Move if I don't like it.  As soon as the market is out of the crapper a little bit, I will.)
  • NaNoWriMo starts in just about 12 hours and I am unprepared.
  • There is nothing that you can do/say/or have that will make me believe that you are better than me.  Maybe in your head you are, but in my head, you are not.
  • A college degree does not make you smarter than me.  It simply makes you in more debt than me.  It's a shame that in your four-year degree there was not a class in common sense.
  • If you want something, say so.  If you want something specific, say so.  Don't give me free reign and then tell me it's not what you want.
  • I need a concealed weapons permit to feel like I could be safe working in a bar.
  • I really wish I was better at certain things.
  • Today is Halloween.
  • I have found the perfect song to perform a sexy pole dance to for Lovey.  Now I just need the pole, lol.
  • Sunshine got stuck in the back of some closet somewhere but she needs to take her rightful place front and center.
  • I've spent too much of my life catering to other people.  Now is the time to cater to me.

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