The thing about having a blog that no one reads is that no one reads it.
TW: SU!C!DE
It probably isn’t normal (and shouldn’t seem so to me) to just be randomly typing this out, but I’m not normal. Yes, I look at this from an outside perspective.
Just over two years ago, I was one mean look away from not being here any more. I spent quite a bit of time on the ledge, looking over, thinking about the consequences. I have friends who have passed be it by their own hand or nature’s hand and it truly sucks for those who remain.
Even though no one reads this, I’m not going to go into too many details. I had one main reason that I’m still walking around two years later.
When you’re standing on that ledge and it’s cold and windy and you’re just trying to hold yourself together long enough to maybe make it down, you start to crack. Depending on how long you’re up there before someone pulls you down or you manage to get yourself down, some crack more than others.
Here’s the thing, those cracks, they don’t go away. Maybe they’ve been glued but more likely they’ve been taped, and eventually, that tape is going to fall away or you’ll be dropped off the cliff, and once again, broken.
I can’t even explain how fucking exhausting this is. To make the effort to heal to just be broken again. Even when put back together with gold, the shatter remains the same. Perhaps some of us are meant to simply remain broken. It seems unfair, but what in this life really is fair?
But here I fucking am. Again. Mixing up something to try to put myself together again. A.FUCKING.GAIN. I’m tired and I don’t know that it’s worth it but the aftermath won’t allow me to just let go. Get on the struggle bus, bitch. We’re crying around the neighborhood.
Another year gone by, another January 1 present. BFD.
Here I am again because I said I would start writing again a couple months ago when I was complimented on my verbal musings. On the ‘for me’ side, this is therapy. It probably won’t be great to start as I’m gonna have to prime the pump again, but hopefully the stream will smooth out over time. I think that I’ll have to go back to writing prompts as well. Coming up with things on the daily was a lot easier when I left the house, but those days are long gone.
Hilariously, the prompt is “Practice Makes Perfect – talk about a talent you’d love to have but don’t.” Before I go through my self-deprecating list of talents I don’t have, we should clarify talent vs skill. Talent is what you’re naturally good at, so for me, that’s breathing. Skill is something you’re good at through practice. So, I try to believe I have some writing skills. That’s about where we land.
Now talents I’d like to have? Sheesh. Flexibility, because yeah, some people are naturally flexible. It would be cool to be able to sing or dance well. Is balance a talent? Is mental health? *laughs maniacally*
Can’t have what we can’t have, kids. I can’t have what I can’t have.
Spent some time perusing old posts to see if I already told this story, but I couldn’t find it and I need to fill up some space so here we go:
Back in the high school days, my only talent was probably narrowly avoiding getting in trouble. I was too much silly and too much energy and too other things and not enough something else. Being “gifted” gives you a certain amount of leeway (that completely fucks you later in life but that’s another story we all know about. read a meme) that kept me out of detention. I mean, that and a healthy fear of going home and explaining that.
As some things don’t change, my sense of humor then was similarly as fucked up as it is now. If it’s inappropriate and I’m not supposed to laugh, well, yeah, I’m gonna laugh.
Here I sit at a table with my friends in a class called Creative Meals & Childcare with a teacher with a slight lisp. I am pretty certain that I had come into the class wound up and the events that transpired were classic me.
For whatever reason, even though it’s fucking high school, we’re taking turns reading aloud from the book. The book. About childcare. And I’m a sophmore who’s 2 years younger than everyone else. And I have a giggle problem. Because I am a trouble magnet, I have been called on to read what’s next.
It’s the childcare portion of the class and we’re learning about changing diapers and safety. The paragraph I’m reading talks about how you always have to keep one hand on the baby so it doesn’t roll off the table. Did you laugh right there? Because I sure as fuck did in the class. The struggle was REAL to continue reading as the teacher asked me if I thought a baby falling off a table was funny. Of course it isn’t, but you asking me if it is, yeah, that’s funny. Just another incident of scooting by trouble and brushing all up against it but never getting in it.
I think that’s it for today. I feel a little better than I did when I started. Session concluded. Come back tomorrow (or whenever I manage to post again) for another trauma response or some erotica. You never know so you’ll just have to stay tuned.
Welcome back indeed. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve put figurative pen to paper and that’s pretty ridiculous. And has there even been a reason? No, no there hasn’t. I’ve been lazy and uninspired which doesn’t lead to any creativity.
BUT, I’m here today, so that must mean things are changing (I hope). I’ve carved out this little bit of time to try to put down some thoughts on weekdays.
Even though Welcome Back, Kotter originally came out in 1978, it was one of my absolute favorites growing up. I’m guessing that by the time I fell in love with it, it had to be in syndication since I’m guessing that would have been around 8 or 9. I’m certain it was still quite popular at that time, though. All of the kids in my class knew it. For whatever reason, probably because I was somewhat of a class clown (go figure), I gravitated toward the character of Horseshack. A lot. So much so, that I started raising my hand and “Oooh oooh”-ing in class. So much so that kids started calling me Horseshack and I ate up every second of it. I was somewhat of an oddball as a kid. Nothing has changed.
So, what’s happened in a year? 380 days of homeownership. Furniture moving. Cleaning. Ceiling fan removal. AC replacement. Pool resurfacing. Deck replacement. The fucking sewer backed up. New water heater. And a bunch of other projects. And there are a bunch more still on the to-do list. With year one in the books, I’m guessing that by the time we get to year 5, we’ll maybe have everything looking the way we would like.
I guess I’ll call this point in time ‘fully settled in’ to the new space. Now that I’ve hit that spot, it’s time to get my shit together (again). I’ve been doing a lot of mobility/flexibility work (and I know it doesn’t look like it from the outside, but it FEELS like it in my hips) and I think I’m ready to run full steam ahead into these last 8.5 months of my 40s.
I’m trying different levels of time-blocking. I first heard of this during that fateful year of real estate (I could and should write a book about that year…it has a title and a cover art concept already). But, you know how sometimes you simply aren’t trying to hear information from a particular source no matter how good that information might be? Yeah, that. But now, I’ve re-received that information from a source that I trust and believe in so I’m all about it.
The concept was to break the day into 3 pieces and then basically have to-do lists for those 3 pieces, but I found that just having the things to do wasn’t quite enough for me. I needed to take one step further and give each of the activities a timeframe. I’m not expecting to hit every timeframe every single day. I’m actually giving myself the rest of this monto ramp up to the habit. But I realize that timeframes need to be flexible. For instance, I gave myself 30 minutes to write from 12:30 – 1 and here it is at 3:30 and I’m not done. Work does still take first place in the priorities so the blog got shifted. I got back here before the end of the day, though, so I’m calling it a win.
I suppose I shouldn’t just tell you everything about the last year and the upcoming in one post. You need a reason to come back. So, see you tomorrow. I have so much more to blather on about.
Of course you didn’t. And if you did, well then you’re new here. I don’t stick to schedules – my own or others, lol. To really drive that point home, know that I tried to start this post yesterday and kept getting sidetracked with eight million other things. Schedules aren’t really my friends even though they need to be. Weird considering how much I love to make lists of shit. Anywhoooo…..
I am definitely NOT one of those people who has known since childhood what they wanted to be “when they grew up”. First of all, I’m never growing up, so there’s that. Did I think, 30-ish years ago, that my job would be what it is now? That I’d be shaking my ass in my home office while I check out some shit in someone’s database? Uh, no. I did not. I probably didn’t even know what the hell a database was at that time.
Well what did I want to do? There was a long and ever-changing list. Some of the things were things that a lot of kids (or kids who were kids when I was a kid) said they wanted to do like veterinarian or lawyer. I held on to chemist for a while for some reason or another (before I ever had a Chemistry class – spoiler alert – didn’t like it). I never really had the concept that some things would be available to me like sportscaster or stand-up comedienne. Those are things that I probably would have been good at. Yeah, they’re also things that it’s not too late to do at some level, but I really have enough on my plate already.
There were other things on that list. One of the big ones was architect. I took an architectural drafting class in high school. Did the whole two-floor layout, chimney, glass windows, elevation drawing and everything. Thinking back on it, I probably could have stayed in that lane. I really love/d pencil and line work, lettering, creating. I got sidetracked away from it when I came to the realization that I kinda only think in two dimensions. Technically, that’s enough for an architect, but 3D would probably be better.
Also on the list was interior designer. For small town Pennsylvania, it was kind of surprising that we even had an interior design class, but we did. Whether I wanted a challenge or I was just goofing (it was over 30 years ago, I can’t remember everything), I deliberately chose all of the craziest, grossest patterns and colors for my house. Oh, we had to make a house out of a big cardboard box and separate it into rooms and then decorate each of the rooms with our little scraps. Damn if my shit didn’t turn out looking fly AF. Maybe I have an eye for color or something.
I said the list was long. But this is the last one I’m gonna talk about today: landscape architect. I’m guessing that you can see the theme here. I mean, looking back at it, I can. Then I don’t think I did. Definitely didn’t, otherwise I’d probably be in one of these fields. I went as far as a semester at Penn State with those intentions, but I was not mentally or physically prepared to be in that whole situation, so bleep bloop bleep, shut down that simulation. Being on the main campus of PSU at 16 might work for some people, but it sure as fuck didn’t work for me, lol. Hives like a mofo. Never had them before, never since. Crazy welts whenever I scratched and I was itchy CONSTANTLY. I think that’s what’s called anxiety. Ah well.
These days, as I stand around and dance and write code, it turns out that I’m getting the opportunity to live out some of those childhood concepts in our new house. Architect is not so much happening. I mean, the house is already built. Will there be another structure? Yes, but I doubt that I’ll have much input on how that one goes together. I know when to stay in my lane. Now, that interior design, that’s a whole different story! Around the house, we surely need paint. I’m going to stay away from finding the craziest shit I can find this time, but I’m still excited to pick out our color palette. Things could get a little crazier in my pole room since it’s a dedicated space. *insert evil laugh*
That leaves landscape architect – the most exciting prospect. We have a whole back yard and a whole front yard that I can dump excessive amounts of money into fixing and refixing and refixing! I am really excited though. Seems like no one has grass that grows well around here which is a great reason to look into some xeriscaping in the front. I’m giddy.
Ok, enough. I still have a bunch of tasks to tackle. Have a wonderful day!
Well, it’s the first of the month so I’m kicking off the blog….again. Maybe, just maybe, this time, I’ll keep it going for a little while. I mean, I have a heck of a topic here. Welcome to my journey into madness.
So, yeah, we closed on our house yesterday. In case you didn’t know, currently, in the first quarter of 2022, the housing market in Florida is absolutely bonkers. Just crazy. People were making offers on houses without seeing them crazy.
The house that we bought was not the first house that we made an offer on. Truth be told, I was figuring that we would have to go at least three times but we lucked out on house number two. First house was gorgeous and had all the things and I fell in love instantly. Looking back at it, there were things that I wouldn’t have loved, but there were so many things that I did love, that I could have overlooked them. Turns out that it wasn’t meant to be. I loved it so much that we were willing to put a little extra love on our offer. Welp, a little extra wasn’t enough and we got outbid. I shed a tear and then kept it moving.
Oh, did I mention that we bought about 2 hours from where we currently live? Yeah, that mean that we were making those weekend trips a few times. But legit only a few. One week after we put in the offer on house number one, we put in the offer on house number two. Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
Sidebar bonus: Previous owners are Steelers fans! Kismet.
Not gonna go into the whole process, but let’s just say that my Realtor and his team were freaking fabulous and got us closed in 21 days. Technically, we were homeowners yesterday at around 2, but I’m still calling this day one.
Day one has been spent nowhere near the house, lol. Might not even be until the 13th, lol. But I’ll still try to keep it up daily with some little tidbit daily.
We’ve got big plans, but first up is a washer and dryer. Let’s see where this journey goes.